Every Wednesday night Mr H and I don’t watch TV we talk. I might have a list of things I want to talk about, or we may just talk about our week. It is simply one evening where the focus is on us and our relationship.
On Wednesday morning before I went to work, I made a comment regarding the day and it being chat night, and Mr H responded, “yes it is and we have a lot to talk about.”
I spent all day (when I wasn’t consumed by payroll and all the other crap I am dealing with at work) wondering what he wanted to talk about. Mr H doesn’t usually have anything to talk about.
Talk to me.
Well, there have been a few instances over the last few weeks where I have felt as if I have been critical of his Dominance, almost disloyal. There have been a few times when he has said “I suppose that’s my fault too?” and I wondered if he felt he was letting me down.
When I have joined in the recent chats on The SafeworD/s Club, I have, I think, sounded as though I am not happy with our current dynamic and I guess in many ways that is true.
Since J left things have been weird. Our house feels so different. We have never been child free as when we met T was almost 3, so being alone is completely new for us.
Mr H said a few weeks ago that he didn’t want to be “telling me off” and disciplining me. It makes him uncomfortable and he doesn’t want to feel like he is a parent telling off a child. This felt like a 180 on our dynamic. He introduced rules but enforcing them has always been an issue. The one time I self reported the telling off triggered an anxiety in me that needed to be avoided. The problem of course as Brigitte Delaney wrote recently, rules have to be enforced. Rightly or wrongly, in my mind, if Mr H doesn’t care enough about the rule to enforce it, I find it hard to care enough to follow it. What can I say, I’m flawed? I’m not the perfect sub?
Our evening followed the usual routine. Baths and so on, then when Mr H came into the bedroom, having finished his bath, he asked, “are you ready for our chat?” Mr H doesn’t usually do this. I admit to having some anxiety. Putting my phone down, I rolled over to face him.
I can’t quite remember exactly what we said, for once I was not in control of the topics, but we did talk about a lot of different things.
Mr H commented that I was not eating healthily, or following plan. He accepted that we need to plan better and not be as lazy. I said I was lacking motivation. I am not going to be able to get my navel pierced if I do loose the weight as we had previously discussed. The caudal epidural is done under x ray and I wouldn’t be able to have a bar in. If I end up with a surgical procedure it would need to be removed and a navel piercing takes a long time to heal so, for the foreseeable future, I am not going to be able to have it done.
He asked if there was anything else I wanted. I said no. There is absolutely nothing I want. I have everything I want and in many ways rewards seem unachievable to me. I need to get to 12 stone 2.5 lbs to the target we set for the navel piercing, and as before when I wanted to lose weight, it seems unattainable. I need to loose 8.5 lbs to get there. It doesn’t seem a lot does it when I managed to loose 70? But right now it seems impossible. I am so used to not getting rewarded that it doesn’t motivate me. Does that make sense to anyone else? I am better at avoiding punishment, that one I understand, if the punishment is effective. I mean I love rewards but they have to be immediate and frequent, or they become unreal.
I pointed out that he didn’t want to dish out punishments, or ask to see my food diary each day. This, being held accountable to him for monitoring my foods is what I think would work but I know he doesn’t want to do that.
He said he would think about it some more, because he is willing to do it if I think I need it, but, how can he punish me? A spanking is something I enjoy, it’s not punishment. I told him that I didn’t like it when he made me pull my pants down and he spanked me as a punishment. When he made me say the rules as he spanked me. If it hurts and isn’t sexy I don’t enjoy it the same way. I know he prefers verbal chastisement but he would need to be careful with his choice of words. If he was to tell me how I have disappointed him, how he doesn’t want to punish me but he does it because he loves me and wants me to follow the rules, how I can make him proud by following the rules so he doesn’t have to punish me. I told him that I guess it would be trial and error and as long as he doesn’t use the “why do I bother” line we should be ok..
I know it puzzles him no end, because as he says when I don’t follow the rules he is disappointed.. I pointed out that disappointed is ok but the sentence “why am I doing this if you can’t follow the rules?” is in my mind followed by the fear that he will find someone who can follow the rules. I know he doesn’t understand this extreme but it’s what happens. I love the way we interact now. I love the D/s. I don’t want him to take that away from me. He said he would take this on board.
He said that from Saturday, we would make better choices, prepare and plan our food for the week and we would get back on it.
The next thing he wanted to talk about was exercise. He wants us to do some a few evenings a week, Yoga or something like. This will be formalised when we have finished decorating in the playroom, as this will be where we can exercise more easily.
He showed me a schedule he has put together of things to do each night. There is rope play, impact, and exercise. “There’s no sex on the schedule,” I asked. He explained that sex would not be scheduled, rather it would happen anytime he felt like it.
The chat ended and as is normal practice he got the cane out. Our chat had been longer than normal and it was late, instead of the 200 + strokes of the cane I usually have (intermixed with gentle strokes of my backside with his hand) he gave me a quick 100.
So today is Saturday, I’ve been to weigh in, and we have done the shopping. We have food and a plan. I have made soup for dinner during the week, and we had chicken stir fry for tea.
Will we succeed? Time will tell.
Sweet Autumn Rose