This week Wicked Wednesday is asking ‘what keeps you going? What do you believe in? I believe in me and I believe in Mr H. But mostly it is Hope. Hope keeps me going. I hope that my boys will find their way, hope that my back pain will one day be if not gone all together, be reduced enough that I can live a normal life, and hope that someday we will all exist without the need to hurt each other.
I believe in Love.
Love is the thing which holds me together. My love for Mr H and his for me. Without it I know I would be lost. Yes I would recover but frankly I am a better person for knowing him, and I like to think he feels the same way. Without his strength, kindness and devotion I would not be who I am today. I am grateful I have never ever felt suicidal, but having been in constant and severe pain for the best part of 4 years, I can understand why people who are in the same boat as I am do. It is relentless and exhausting. The relationship we have and the love we share gives me the strength to hold on, to keep breathing, to not give in.
Hope for the future.
A few months ago I wrote about how we, Mr H and I had stopped planning for the future because so many times we have to cancel plans. We have just had to cancel our plans to go to Eroticon. Our lives are held hostage by my disability, but we finally have some hope. The doctors have a plan that may relieve my pain and this should mean that this is the last year where we are unable to make any plans. I am letting myself Hope.
And, I have faith.
Not necessarily a spiritual faith, but a belief that things happen for a reason. I have a belief that the energy we put out into the world is visited back on us, and so I work hard to be generous, kind, caring and supportive to everyone I encounter. I wish I could say everyone I encounter treats me the same way, but that would be wishful thinking. As long as I have Mr H I believe I will be ok.