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Tell Me About: Rituals

The latest prompt from the Tell Me About meme by The Safewords Club, is Rituals. I’ve written about this subject a few times and you can read them via the links at the bottom of the post. Fair warning there may be some repetition but I will do my best not to do it too much!

So, without further blathering, let’s get to it, and talk about Rituals!

The Oxford English Dictionary says that this word originates in the 16th century (at least as an adjective) and is defined as: A religious or solemn ceremony consisting of a series of actions performed according to a prescribed order or a series of actions or type of behaviour regularly and invariably followed by someone

MrH and I have a few different ritualistic behaviours that we perform as part of our dynamic, but only one that I would class as a ritual. They have evolved over time, but in 2017, when we began our journey, we didn’t think we needed them. Back then we hadn’t found The Safewords Club, but we had found HusDom and SubMrs, and Fetlife. We spent quite some time talking about our new dynamic, trying to find what would work for us.

To kneel or not to kneel.

Many resources talked about kneeling being the position a submissive should assume when showing respect to their dominant. While I like the imagery of this concept, my knees don’t. After only a few seconds my feet begin to go numb.

The fictional relationships I read had the subs kneeling at the side of the door or in the corner of a room until their Dominant allowed them to stand. They are forbidden to make eye contact with their Dominant unless told to do so, and while these things work in fiction, when the submissive’s whole life revolves around the whims of their Dominant, in real life these things are impractical- at least they are for us.

If I was knelt in the room, or crawling around on my hands and knees, it would certainly be cause for comment from our children, and MrH decided from the beginning that he did not want the things we do to come to the attention of friends or family.

So this concept was rejected as not only physically difficult, but impractical.

We did initially include kneeling in our daily collar/chain exchange but due to kneeling/bending issues this isn’t done often. Kneeling does bring on a submissive mind set, but I need to be on soft cushions or pillows to hold the pose for any length of time.

A collaring ceremony

Some communities talk about the need for a formal collaring where the Submissive pledges herself into the care of the Dominant and the Dominant claims the submissive in front of the local community. They have already agreed a formal contract of agreed rules and limits which the ceremony formalises. We didn’t/don’t belong to a kink community in that way. We have been to a local munch a few times, but we haven’t engaged in any BDSM nights or used the facilities to play at the club.

We talked about collaring and contracts as they form part of the same ritual at length but again we came to the conclusion that these were not what we wanted. We got married in 1999, and as such our vows to each other were made then. The introduction of D/s didn’t overwrite those vows, rather it enhanced our emotional and physical connection.

So, a collaring ceremony was rejected as was a written contract although we did research them too.

Who’s are you?

Our first ritual came about as a way of reaffirming our connection, and was originally just a simple question and answer. MrH decided that when he put the night collar on me he would ask “who’s are you” and I would answer “I am yours.” This was repeated in a morning.

A second question was answered to work on my self esteem. MrH will ask me either “who’s my girl,” “who’s my beautiful girl” or “who’s my sexy girl.” I find this question hardest to answer. I only have to say “I am” or “me” but I hesitate and stumble. Occasionally this hesitation earns me a nipple squeeze or a bum slap.

After a number of the nightmares I talked about in my recent post MrH added a 3rd question, “who’s the only girl who gets my cum”.

How do we do it?

I stand at the foot of the bed, holding my hair away from my neck. MrH stands behind me.

He removes one collar and replaces it. He puts his arms on my shoulders or he takes my hands and wraps both of our arms around me. Putting his lips next to my ear he will ask me questions. Generally once we have completed the questions and answers he will kiss me tenderly and tell me to get into bed (if it’s bedtime) or pat my behind and tell me to get up.

By some standards I guess this is a small ritual but for us this connects us, twice a day, for those brief moments we are focused only on each other.

Why are rituals so important?

I guess on their own rituals may seem silly to an outsider, a vanilla couple certainly. Before D/s we would kiss goodnight and goodbye, the perfunctory kiss of familiarity, and we still do this. What D/s does for us is bring us closer together.

Our vanilla marriage was good, don’t get me wrong, and neither of us were unhappy, but as with many relationships things were settled. Our passion had faded a little and our sex was routine…

When we started D/s that all changed. Our passion reignited. Suddenly we were hungry for each other, learning all over again how to please each other.

It would be easy even with the D/s to fall back into those easy habits. To stop trying to stay actively engaged with each other. The ritual we do each day helps us to remember our renewed commitment to each other’s happiness.

To see more posts for the Tell Me About prompt on Rituals click the image above…


For my past posts about rituals click links below.

  1. Held together with superglue and tape…
  2. Rituals revisited
  3. F4TF: Rituals

For all my Tell Me About posts click here

4 thoughts on “Tell Me About: Rituals”

  1. I understand the kneeling thing. My knees are not what they once were and while I’m not told to kneel or crawl very often, there are times when my knees protest most impressively. But at other times, my knees are fine…as long as I don’t have to stay down there for very long.

  2. I laughed when I read the start about the sorts of things we feel we should do and the impracticalities of this. It made me realise how much we have made rituals our own. I enjoyed reading about the things that you do and your post made a lot of sense to me. Thanks 🙂

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