Being in the wrong mindset can ruin a carefully planned scene, and it is as important, for the Dom, as the sub to be in the right frame of mind. If either one of us isn’t feeling it then the chances are it either won’t work out, or it will take a lot of effort to make it work. So, I guess the important questions is:
Mindset, what makes it, what breaks it?
There are a lot of ways that my state of mind can affect play; more to the point, ruin play. If I am distracted by sounds like the TV being on, or I am not in a submissive mindset at all, play just won’t work out. But, if Mr H is not in a Dominant mindset, play will simply not happen at all.
A few years ago we had a very disastrous hotel stay. We had forgotten we booked it until the day before and we couldn’t cancel without paying for the room anyway, so we decided to go. You can read the whole thing here, but surmise to say it did not work out. Mr H didn’t feel prepared, and as a result the whole evening fell flat. We learned from it though. We learned that Mr H likes to have a plan. That helps his mindset.
Communicating your needs.
One thing that is essential is to communicate with your partner when your head is not in the right place. I can’t expect Mr H to know my head is not in the game, but I have a habit of doing just that. Yeah I am not good at taking my own advice. We have been together for nearly a quarter of a century and still I think he is a mind reader. In my defense I swear he sometimes is.
So, the TV being on, will stop me from letting go, and after several instances where I didn’t orgasm because my mindset wasn’t right, I realised I had to speak up. Even then I didn’t speak up, I wrote it in my blog for him to read. The introduction of our Wednesday night chats have improved this. A Little.
Helping him help me.
There are many things that Mr H can do to reinforce my submissive headspace. In the beginning when things are shiny and new, almost everything we did put me in a submissive place. When D/s becomes normal, maintaining the same level of submissiveness is not as easy. Our daily ritual gives me two moments where I am reminded I am his, but if I then immediately start reminding him that we need more toilet rolls in the bathroom, my submissive self is not at the wheel. Real life gets in the way. I have to tell Mr H how to help me stay in the mindset that I feel best in, but before I could tell him, I had to work it out for myself.
I need sex.
Yes I know, this isn’t something a “good girl” should ask for. But, you read my blog so you should know I do not fit neatly into this category. Mr H is in control of when we have sex but, sexual play always helps me feel connected to him, and this helps me maintain my submissive mindset. If he takes me and uses me, a face fuck or tells me to give him a blow job, then my mind is focused on him and my connection to him. Masturbation does not reinforce my mindset, in fact it often has the opposite effect. On the other hand, being told I am not allowed to, or that I can only do it if he watches, does help it. Being told I can not come until I ask for permission, that reinforces it. I need to feel he owns and controls my body.
Anal sex is something which pushes me into a deeper level of submission, it is something which takes me and twists me, I enjoy it and at the same time it feels like it is wrong. I know I shouldn’t feel like anal sex is dirty, slutty or wrong; I shouldn’t for one second think that Mr H would think I am disgusting because I want or like it. But, in those moments, when he calls me his anal slut, and tells me he knows how much I love it, when he makes me say I don’t want him to stop,well, the feelings inside me are impossible to pick apart. What I can say is that during, and for a time after, I am completely his.
At night when we are in bed watching TV, I snuggle up to him and MrH puts his arm around me. Sometimes I will lay with my head on his hip and he strokes my back and my hair. These moments of calm also serve to keep me in a submissive mindset. One of the things that the D/s has brought back into our relationship is touch. Mr H touches me, my hand, my arm, my leg. He will take my hand a kiss it, he winks at me and smiles. Oh that smile. Melts me. It feels like he looks right through my pain and sees me, the small vulnerable me, that just wants to be accepted and loved; those looks, those winks and his touches show me I am. That feeling of acceptance and unconditional love helps me to maintain a submissive mindset.
No matter what your relationship is, be it vanilla or kinky, maintaining a mental connection with each other is extremely important. For us and our Dom/sub dynamic we have to maintain our head spaces as well as our connection, in fact is is almost a self feeding wheel; by feeding the dynamic, it feeds the connection, which feeds the dynamic. What I have to stress though, more than anything, is that you have to be honest. If you are not feeling it, you have to speak up, whether that is the TV being turned off when you are making out, or you need your partner to be more dominant you need to speak up and be honest. You never know what magic could be waiting for you if you are open and honest about your needs and desires.
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