Control is an Illusion
Especially within a D/s relationship with a power exchange like ours, control is just an illusion. We have agreed rules and boundaries; MrH works within those boundaries. To the outside world, it looks like MrH has all the power because he makes the decisions. And, that is where the illusion lies, because I have the power to veto anything I don’t want to do by using a safeword, or by calling the whole agreement off.
It begins with a conversation
When we started our journey we sat down and talked, and talked, and then we talked some more. We talked more than we had talked in years. I opened up more than I ever had. And. considering we had been married for almost 18 years at that point, it was about time I did. Our discussions were not all about sex, some were of course, but probably not as much as you would think. Some of that was down to the fact that I was not comfortable telling MrH what I wanted him to do to me. Something that I am still working on.
Should we have a formal contract?
A number of the resources we found suggested that in order to have a D/s relationship we needed a contract. We downloaded BDSM contract templates off the internet, and discussed them. They contained things like how many hours I must exercise each week, a list of foods I could eat, how I was required to dress, and it defined the details of the commitment we were making. Similar to the contract given to Anna in Fifty Shades of Grey. MrH rejected this idea quickly as we were already married most of this contract was not necessary. Furthermore, he did not want to control every aspect of my life in this way and he did not want to make our new dynamic obvious to others, especially our children.
In the end we agreed on a few simple things. He would control when, where and how we had sex and played. I would be respectful and not question him when he made a decision. We also agreed that he would give me a necklace that would serve as a symbol of my submission.
MrH Takes Charge
As time passed MrH flexed his Domly muscles. Eye rolling, was not allowed – or more accurately I was not allowed to roll my eyes at him. We joined Fetlife. He suggested I be a model for, Lady Chamoix, who had a project to make several bespoke corsets for an exhibition. I spent some time with her during the course of this project. She is an amazing woman. Lady Chamoix is also one of the volunteers at the local munch, showing people around and answering their questions. I was able to ask her all the questions I had about the club and munches. What they were like and if you were expected to know all the rules. These discussions piqued my curiosity and eventually I asked MrH if he wanted us to go to a munch and/or a Kink event.
He responded that yes he did. He had hoped that meeting and speaking to this Domme would help me to feel more comfortable about going. We went to the munch for the first time a few months later – when He decided. I realised that he had known I would be nervous, and had done his best to place me in the path of someone who would be able to answer my questions, and reassure me. What a clever man his is.
MrH did a guest post for The SafeworD/s Club about out first 6 months as Dom and sub. I read this again and again. It was a turning point for me. Up until then I had worried that he was not as into it as I was. Reading this showed me how seriously he was taking it. He had researched and read up on the topic, something I hadn’t really done. That in itself was strange, I normally research a topic to death, but with this I didn’t.
On new year’s eve I received an email from MrH, he had decided to give me some rules to follow. This was a new development as initially he hadn’t wanted to do that and yet here he was, without any pushing from me, giving me a set of rules to follow. I honestly can’t properly express how much I love that he did this. One year later he expanded on these rules, clarified them and added to them. Now, I am not very good at following the rules all the time, and we do not have a dynamic where physical punishments are given although it has been discussed. I would be open to it, but he is not. MrH thinks that he would feel like a parent disciplining a child if I were spanked as a punishment. He does enjoy spanking me in the context of play and he wants it to remain fun. We did a few months ago, see what it would be like for him to smack me as hard as he could. Suffice to say, if he was to smack me as a punishment, I know he could make it unpleasant.
Challenging His Decisions
Over the last two and a half years I have relaxed into the dynamic more, and MrH has taken the lead more. I know MrH always had the final say when it came to big decisions (kids, pets etc) so, if you ask him, he will say he has always been in control and the D/s doesn’t feel any different; it feels very different to me. In the past whenever MrH would make a decision, even a simple one like which way to drive to the shops, I would immediately suggest he went a different way. I do not do that (as much) any more. At least, I try very hard not to, and that’s progress right?
Planning The Future
From the start MrH subtly controlled our journey. He slowed me down and guided me, Under his control I have become calmer and more relaxed. As soon as I stopped trying to be in control of everything I felt better. I am going to leave you all with one final thought – my favourite quote on control, It’s from the movie Days of Thunder, and is spoken by Nicole Kidman’s character to Cole Trickle the race driver. He has been arguing that he has control, and she responds:
Control is an illusion, you infantile egomaniac. Nobody knows what’s gonna happen next: not on a freeway, not in an airplane, not inside our own bodies and certainly not on a racetrack with 40 other infantile egomaniacs.
I said at the start that control is an illusion, and I believe it is, but I also believe it makes me happy to be controlled. So, I will continue to allow MrH to plan our future and to decide where our D/s will take us, because, not only does he take much better care of me than I do, but also because it turns me on to let him.
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