Writing about Love, Life, Marriage,

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depression

Blogging from A2Z 2019: Why

I’ve always liked to know how things work. “Why?” Drove my mum mad when I was a toddler… my boys were similarly curious.  Unfortunately, why? has been the root cause of much of my mental health issues. Why did my dad have to die suddenly of a heart attack, aged 51? Why did my mum let my stepfather terrorise me? Why did my first husband cheat? Why didn’t my dad pick me up from the train station when I would visit as a single mum like he did my brother? Why am I not good enough? Why….. It is this word

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When your children suffer

I’ve made no secret of the fact that I live with depression, I have for many years. I started to crawl out of the dark pit of despair in 2008 after 3 years of living in darkness.  What I don’t talk about (partly because it’s not my story exactly) is the day in 2012 when my son came home and said “when I see a car driving down the road towards me I just want to jump in front of it so it will be over.”   My experience with severe depression in children starts here, although this wasn’t the first

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I’m fine….

These two words are a lie.  Almost every (and I’m going to say it) woman who utters these two words just lied.  Add in a mental illness and everyone, man or woman, who says it – lied, but we would rather lie than inflict our pain on someone else.  We would rather hide behind the lie than face the truth and say it. I am not fine. It took me years to get the courage to be honest when someone asked me “are you ok?” Because “I’m tired” or “I’m struggling” or “I’m heading towards the blackest out of despair” sounds either inadequate

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You’ll be ok

Every morning I look through my WordPress feed as I wait to go to work, and this morning there was a post by SubMissy Control Freak that really touched me. So much I decided to share something of my own. I have my own struggles with mental health and promoting awareness is something I feel strongly about. In 2003 my father died, suddenly. He was 51 and he had a massive heart attack. After the postmortem we discovered that he had in fact had many heart attacks that he had ignored or dismissed as heart burn. As his eldest child

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Can’t quite put my finger on it…..

But I don’t feel right.  I usually feel calm and content. But instead I feel sad, disconnected, distant.  Although S1 headed off to London and we “in theory” had our old routines back things just don’t feel right. That’s not to say MrH and I haven’t played because we have. We have tested the replacement wand. And I’ve been allowed to suck MrH’s cock before bed time twice this week. He allows this for a time and then he will instruct me to stop and fuck me until he cums. These play sessions are not about me they are for his

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depression

Black Hole

What depression means to me. I posted yesterday that I’m not doing so well. I think that may be an understatement, but rather than prattle on about that, I thought instead I’d share instead what depression means to me because I believe that everyone experiences it differently. I believe depression is a black hole. Once it gets you in its grip it slowly strips parts of you away. Your sense of security. Your confidence. Your happiness. Your self worth. Your ability to feel joy. Your motivation. Your energy. All sucked slowly away until the black hole has taken everything you

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2am

2am

It’s 2am. I’m awake. Not good. Our eldest son who’s almost 25 recently told me he’s still struggling with depression and feelings of self harm. Although I’ve got him to the medical professionals I don’t know if he’s actually attended any of the follow up appointments, and he refuses medication. What has this got to do with me being awake? I came home from work today and assumed he was at work, and that he would be home around 11. It’s now 2am. He isn’t home. I’ve messaged him and he informs me he’s gone 50 miles away visiting friends

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Serenity in submission 

I used to be quite an anxious person and although I do not mean to suggest I am ‘cured’ because I doubt very much that I ever will be, my anxiety has reduced. I believe this is due to the introduction of dominance and submission to my life.  When I am with Mr H, I am calm, he is in charge and this seems to be the key to keeping my anxiety under control. Letting go of the need to be in charge and micromanage everything to the nth degree has been liberating, and as such submission may just be

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