Writing about Love, Life, Marriage,

&

Kinky Fuckery!

(among other things........)

depression

prisoner of pain

Taken Prisoner by pain.

I haven’t written much lately. My heart, and head have not been in it. I have now spent over 7 months lied in bed staring at the bedroom walls and it is starting to weigh me down. 16 months in excruciating pain and I don’t feel sexy or attractive, so writing about that would be difficult. Inactivity and some poor eating habits have also caused weight gain that has me avoiding mirrors again. 99% of my clothes do not fit. I have 3 nighties, 3 sets of pyjamas, 1 dress, 2 tops and 2 pairs of leggings…. None of my

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Friends that come and go

I have had many friends throughout the years but I do not have any life long friends.  I have often said that people come into your life for one of two reasons, either they are there to help you, or you are there to help them. Vanilla Friends. I seem to have many friends who have been placed in my path who have taken from me in some way. DD Jen recently used the term “bond or burden” in her post Can I watch you have sex that struck me as very apt. Some friends have moved quickly from bond to

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Eat your feelings or Comfort Eating

I have a simple relationship with food on the surface, I eat almost anything and I will try almost anything; raw fish and blue cheeses are my only no, no foods.  If you scratch the surface though, my relationship is much more complex.  I comfort eat, and I over eat.  It doesn’t matter how much food is put in front of me I am compelled to eat it. Comfort eating. When I am worried, upset, anxious, sad or bored I eat.  I take negative feelings and I shove food on them.  As a child I had to eat everything that

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Being Mindful

I practice being mindful often, and have done for years.  It is something that you are encouraged to do during counselling after a breakdown, to not focus on the past, and to be present in the moment.  It does take a lot of practice and I am not perfect at it, in fact most of the time I suck at it. How I practice being mindful. Everyday I try to take a few moments to close my eyes, and breathe.  It is the only thing I think about for those few moments, breathing. I breath in deeply, expanding my belly,

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thoughts

Friday Thoughts

It is Friday today, and I am laying in bed wondering what is going to happen next.  Yesterday’s appointment with the specialist was strange and it has created new challenges.  I am going to have to work hard to keep my thoughts positive and not get too down. Thoughts on Consultants We went to see the consultant and one of the major hospitals in the area.  I have only seen three consultants in my life who have actually “examined” me, and that makes me cross sometimes.  It makes me feel like they consider themselves above such things.  I have been

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prioritising intimacy

Prioritising Intimacy

Yesterday’s post Hairy Pussy resulted in a long discussion between Mr H and myself.  Probably one that was very overdue, well there is no probably about it really.  I have written about how we have not made the effort we should, and again and again said we would, but we haven’t.  We have not focused on ourselves, we have not been prioritising intimacy.  Not really, and definitely not consistently. Life gets in the way. 2019 was not a great  year for us.  My back pain skyrocketed, work became an emotional drain, and Mr H ended up in hospital too.  Our

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Hairy Pussy

One of my rules is that I am supposed to be shaved every day, ready to be fucked.  It isn’t like it is too much to ask is it? Mr H likes to eat pussy and, he doesn’t want to be faced with a hairy pussy.  I can understand that because I prefer MrH to be trimmed too, not shaved, just trimmed you understand.  I like stubble on his face and short hair around his cock.  Longer hairs tend to make me gag more. Lazy or letting yourself go? I haven’t shaved everyday since my March flare up.  I wish

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Would I lie to you?

Well would you? Would you?  I would.  In fact I do, all the time.  I lie to myself daily, hourly even.  There are times when the lies are all I have.  The biggest and most frequent one.  I’m fine. People ask me, “how are you?” They don’t want the truth, they want a lie, they expect a lie.  If you tell them the truth too much they hide away from it, and you.  They don’t want to hear that it hurts so bad I feel sick, or that I just wet myself because I didn’t know I needed to go. 

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Grow from Love

As the year and decade end approaches we are all prone to reflect back on our achievements and failures, and to look at how we have changed and grown in the intervening years.  I think Mr H and I have come a long way together in the last ten years, and even further in the last 2.  This year we celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary.  We have been together for 24 years and I couldn’t be happier.  Honestly.  I am happier than I have ever been.  I look at him and want to smile. Growing Together. Mr H and I

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Bloody Useless

This morning when I got up, I was so tired and in so much pain I cried.  Can you imagine that? You open your eyes and as soon as you move pain hits you. Chronic pain, the pain I have, is I think something very few people fully understand. Understanding Chronic Pain. “Have you taken some pain killers?” and “We all have back ache sometimes.” Yes, I have actually heard these sentences.  My mum is one of the worst offenders.  She resides deep in the “pull yourself together and get on with it” camp.  She has no idea how hard

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