I’ve been out of work now for 5 weeks and were feeling the pinch from the lack of money. Now MrH and I are pretty practical, and you can’t spend what you don’t have, but without my income we can’t do anything fun.
We are unlikely to be able to go to the munch in February, or celebrate valentine’s Day as we had planned, by going to our favourite hotel (or any hotel for that matter).
And that realisation sucks.
More than anything the knowledge that I am responsible for this situation is, and I’m trying hard not to let it, bringing my depression out of its box. I can feel the lid cracking, fingertips peeking out…
I’m the kind of person who tends to try and fix things, so be the cause of the difficulties we are experiencing is not sitting well. It’s sending my mind back to 2005 when I had my breakdown, when I was unable to work for a few years, when I was severely depressed. During that time we “managed” but we didn’t really “live”. I don’t want to go back there. It was not pleasant.
Now I know that I will get another job. I know there were several things that put us in this position, and it’s not like I quit my job, they made me redundant. All these things I know are just not helping.
Unfortunately I also suffer from a severe lack of patience… I want things now, immediately, yesterday preferably. I want to go to the munch because it was fun. I want to go to the hotel with MrH because I love the chance to be just his, to have him to myself, that we can play without worry… And I want a job because it gives me purpose and keeps me occupied. I hate missing out on things, I hate that we are feeling the pinch from a lack of money. It’s bad enough when we have to miss things because of my health.
So that’s me, bored, fed up, heading towards depression, and feeling mightily sorry for myself.