I have now spent 9 weeks pretty much lying in bed and my usual underwired bras are not practical wear. I prefer to go braless as much as I can, for as much as I love the appearance of a bra and the silhouette and cleavage they provide, there is nothing so comfortable as taking them off! Having said that, while my boobs can hold their own when I am sat or stood, once i am lied down they do tend to wander off, and I decided to purchase some light support bralettes to wear under my pyjamas.
Cross your heart.
I have not purchased a cross your heart bra, but one of the two styles I selected is a cross over style. It is marketed as a being suitable for breastfeeding however in my opinion it is not. I had a cross over bralette when I had S1 which was suitable for breastfeeding, and it fastened with clips, to expose a breast you undid a clip and removed one side of the bra. This one requires you to fish your boob out of one side and if i were to do so it would apply pressure (however lightly) to one side of the breast. Remembering how tender my breasts were I think this design is a little flawed. It also has a little padded circle to help support the breast, completely useless for breasts of my size and in the images it looks like I have a breast pad in place!
Works for me.
In my situation however, it works perfectly. The light support bralette is very comfortable and it is keeping the girls where they should be and out of trouble while I am lied down. Well, mostly.
It's not very sexy.
In one way it falls extremely flat- it really isn’t very sexy. It may be practical, but wearing it means that I am not complying with my rule to wear matching underwear, and that makes me uncomfortable. With everything we are facing at the moment (and I don’t mean the Covid virus, which has had very little impact on me) breaking the rules Mr H set me makes me unhappy.
There are not many rules still in effect with our D/s, and that is due to the situation we find ourselves living. I do still have to ask before making an online purchase, and I would have to wake Mr H before going downstairs at night for food. Nothing else remains in place. My back pain/condition has meant I have been socially isolated for about 12 months. The last time I ventured outside to go somewhere that wasn’t work, a hospital, or a supermarket was in March 2019 when we attended the Bike Show. Following this we went away to a hotel one weekend in April. We cancelled our holiday plans because of my back and that was that.
The rule to wear matching underwear was one of the first rules Mr H made and has been one that was maintained until January this year. As laying in bed is the only position that stops the loss of sensation in my lower body I stopped wearing a bra. The medication I have been put on (Amitriptyline) is known to cause weight gain, and along with my predisposition for comfort eating I have gained weight. I do not know how much but I do know it is not ‘normal’ weight gain. My stomach is swollen/bloated, but my wedding ring still fits, it is like my body has swollen. This has had a detrimental affect on my psyche.
I have committed to taking part in Molly’s Sinful Sunday at least once a month, because I am determined to continue to support the sex blogging community no matter how difficult I find it. To that end I have taken a number of images over the last few weeks – each of them subsequently deleted. My nightmares have returned along with my self disgust and Mr H works twice as hard to reassure me, something I am grateful for. Time and time again, he demonstrates such patience and kindness, I know I am lucky to have him. No matter how poorly I think of myself, he does not, and his unwavering belief in me, gives me the strength to endure the constant pain and isolation of my situation. Something that I am going to need in the coming months.
Covid has the majority of the UK now attempting to isolate themselves. They work from home and now even schools have closed. This is an adjustment for many and yet, at some point their situation will resolve, the crisis will pass, and they will be able to venture out into society, return to work and socialise as normal. I will not. I will have to wait while the NHS is able to work through their lists of patients like myself that are waiting operations. Just a few weeks ago I had accepted that it would be August or September this year that I would have an operation which should stop the pain I am in. An operation that will mean I can resume normal activities. That has now gone. Whenever the NHS resumes it will be another 4 or 5 months after that before I am seen. I am not alone in this but I now think it will be closer to the end of 2020 or early 2021 before I have my operation. I will have lost another full year of my life.
I decided to try and focus on new creating a new project, one that I could participate in without worrying that I had to show a little flesh to take part in. Now, I am sure Molly would say I don’t need to be naked to take part in Sinful Sunday, but a quick glance across the entries each week certainly gives that impression, one borne out by the images that are selected to be the top images each week. The illusion of nudity or apparent nudity, the exposure of breast or groin is most often praised, and with my fragile psyche I am loathe to constantly place myself in the position of being judged unworthy. [Please note I am acutely aware that these are my own perceptions and not necessarily the intention of the organisers, and although there has been much debate recently on intention being irrelevant when it upsets someone, I know that they do not intend for anyone to feel hurt or rejected when they take part].
Each theme will run for a whole month and if you want to know more, please click here. For now I will share an additional image that I took earlier this year, when I was still feeling a little sexy. I hope you all stay safe and well until this crisis passes.