Following on from my post Horny as Hell I feel I need to explain myself… the post may have come across as if I am unhappy with my lot and as if MrH isn’t making me happy. That isn’t exactly correct. I am happy with MrH. I just struggle with my expectations and reality.
I like being submissive. It took years to find that was my happy state. What I want is for MrH to control that. I want to feel submissive because he makes me feel that way.
The New Normal.
Our ritual of collar swapping has lost some of its effect because it’s become “normal” the shine has worn off it I guess. This seems to happen in most married D/s relationships, there is a plateau where you have to decide to stay still and work there, trying to keep things shiny and passionate within the comfort zone, or you push forward into new things.
The thing is if you decide not to push forward you have to put a heck of a lot of effort into making things exciting. Passion can easily fade. Staying motivated is not easy when things become normal, or routine. It’s very easy to become blasé about things.
I was told early in the journey that MrH couldn’t be expected to drive my submission alone. I should also maintain this state myself. I should do things to make me feel submissive. In the beginning (as you do) I took this advice and ran with it. Even though my head didn’t really like it. I thought why am I doing this? I don’t want a D/s relationship with myself! There are things I do now because I like feeling useful – like running MrH’s bath when he has one. But that doesn’t make me feel submissive.
So I wondered, what does?
When MrH holds me and kisses me until we’re breathing hard (if he gets an erection it’s even more effective).
When MrH tells me off for not following rules. Or
When MrH reminds me to follow them.
When MrH tells me what he wants to do to me.
When MrH demands things of me.
When MrH tells me to do something.
When MrH takes charge.
Looks pretty easy to do right? I don’t think it is.
In my previous post I mentioned how I ask MrH if he has plans for me and I am sure there are plenty of Doms and subs out there who immediately thought ‘you’re the submissive you shouldn’t be asking.’ Maybe they are right. I ask so I know if I need to take my feelings of desire and squash them. If I’m feeling particularly horny and MrH says no I may then ask if I can masturbate. So far I have always been given permission, and (here is where you all get further proof that I am a nut job) I think MrH sees this as a relief. I imagine he thinks ‘that’s one less thing to do today’ because I know he gets tired and I must be a burden.
The Perfect Storm
MrH hates playing at home when our son is in. He is very self conscious that way. I don’t care. He’s 20 and if he hears sexy things he can always put headphones on or GO OUT!!!!
If our door is shut I can mentally close the world out too- MrH can’t. Of course neither can we afford to go to a hotel every week.
In the mean time it’s like waiting for the perfect storm, the alignment of the planets or some such mystical circumstance to occur in order for MrH to feel comfortable enough to play freely and without inhibitions.
Submissive state of mind
The thing is, with the lack of play, and the lack of verbal cues from MrH my submissive mind set has waned. I am distracted and distant. Probably bordering on cold and disrespectful. I’m also desperately lost.
Without his Dominance to guide me I am lost and I don’t want (I sound like a petulant child now) to make myself feel submissive! I don’t want to do things to get my mindset back! I want MrH to put me there. I want to know he likes me there too. I want to know this means something to him. And I’m terrified that I’m asking the impossible……