Writing about Love, Life, Marriage,


Kinky Fuckery!

(among other things........)

I’m gonna show you Crazy!

It’s been one year and a bit since we became D/s.

I’m happier than I’ve ever been.

I’m also more terrified.

I’m so terrified that it will end.

Frightened it’s been a wonderful illusion.

Scared the passion will evaporate.

For years our relationship drifted along. We were happy enough, and we had good sex. Not often mind you – everyday life got in the way. We were tired. We didn’t make the effort. My self esteem was shit, I was overweight and decided that made MrH not want to touch me. No matter what he said I didn’t believe him. After all if you say you’re tired and don’t want to have sex with me it must be me right? Well that’s how my head rationalised it.

I’ve been guilty in the past of faking orgasms just so he didn’t feel like he couldn’t get me off when in reality the problem was in my head. It constantly told me he was just going through the motions with me – I was just a body to fuck when he really needed it. Part of me hopes he never realised that I was faking but I’m pretty sure he did and anyway when he reads this he’ll know. Anyway after a while I didn’t even do that, I just couldn’t summon the energy. In my mind I thought maybe he’d eventually, probably when the kids were older, leave for someone way more sexy and attractive.

I’m not saying this is in anyway true – just what my fucked up insecure inside voice would tell me.

That isn’t to say things didn’t improve. As I lost weight my self esteem got better. I felt better about myself and made more of an effort.

So in many ways loosing weight and feeling sexy again helped me to move forward but it hasn’t silenced that inner voice. Instead she has new ammunition.

I’ve opened the door to a world of new stuff. We are in a world where people freely share their bodies with more than one person. And no matter how many times I think that isn’t something we will do – that little inner voice (she’s a bitch- honestly) will not shut up. She shouts and whispers how I’m not good enough for him, not pretty enough, not slim enough, not sexy enough…..

I don’t even know where these fears come from. Yes my first husband cheated on me – that’s not MrH. Does it go back further? My mum and dad divorced when I was 5 and since then my mum has constantly told me that I my dad didn’t want me, I wasn’t what he wanted because he wanted a son. I never got to ask my dad about it as he passed away before I could pluck up the courage. His sister and his mum dispute my mums claims but after 25 years of being told the same thing it’s hard to believe anything else. But I wonder if this, being told I wasn’t wanted by dad, the first man a girl looks to for love and approval is at the core. But perhaps I digress… why am I rambling on about my evil inner bitch??

We are going to our first event next week.

I’m excited and nervous. I’ve got my outfit and I’m getting my hair and make up done. Why? Because I want MrH to feel proud to have me be his. I want him to feel like he has the most sexy amazing wife and I want to be able to show him how much he means to me by looking my best.

What I really want is to be able to silence that little bitch and know that no matter how gorgeous and sexy the other woman are at the event he finds me more desirable.

But how on earth can he achieve that?? I have no way of knowing that’s true. I’m no mind reader and he’s already trying to reassure me.

A few months ago he added some new things to our twice daily ritual… everyday he asks me “who’s my no. 1 girl?” and “who’s the only girl who gets my cum?”

At first this helped. But that inner bitch has a loud voice….

Now she’s managed to ruin these. When he asks me “who’s my no.1 girl?”

She says “out of how many???”

When he asks me “who’s the only girl who gets my cum?”

She squeaks… and how many does he wish he could give it to? Who does he want to give it to?

See I told you I could show you crazy!!!

That fear that I talked about? When you have a wife who you tell all the time how much you love her, how much she means to you and how much you don’t want anyone else….. how long until the crazy shit I’m talking about makes you give up? How long til you say fuck this I’m going to find a sensible person?

I don’t know the answer… I just hope that before that happens we find a way to gag that inner bitch before I loose the man who is more important to me than air.

The image is from a fancy dress party last year, and seemed appropriate, as Harley Quinn is madly in love, as well as crazy!!

23 thoughts on “I’m gonna show you Crazy!”

  1. Damn, but our brains can be evil to us. If we start to feel stressed or anxious in anyway, they start to run threat assessments on every damn thing. Driving? What if that car crosses the median? Cooking? What if you burn the house down? Husband’s eyes open and a woman walks past? What if she turns him on?

    I have negative thought-spirals a lot. My brain goes so fast that it wants to know the outcome to every variable situation. Self-talk only goes so far, too, since the positive voice rarely sounds as confident as the negative one. My best strategy when any of this happens is to turn into my own therapist. “Intrusive thoughts are the product of a stressed or bored brain. They aren’t fact. They are your asshole of a brain’s way of entertaining itself. Don’t let it win.”

    Hugs, friend. I want pictures of your sexy self when you’re all dolled up!

      1. Oh, definitely not. There’s always the “this is a sign of a highly-intelligent person” rhetoric, which isn’t helpful. I want to say “great, I’m smart so my brain gets a free pass on making me crazy?!”

  2. Hi, you need to tell the inner bitch to stfu – why on earth would he want someone else?! You have a fantastic, understanding relationship, you mustn’t let the inner bitch mess with your head.

    Things parents say do, unfortunately, stick with us, but we learn to ignore and rise above – it’s their problem, not yours.

  3. Oh man – I don’t think I have ever read a more relatable post. I could have written that. Wow! I don’t know the answers to your questions. I love the bones of my husband – he is my world. I too worry I’ll scare him away with my worries. The mind is a fucker but the logic side of me knows he is a very strong character and the door is always open should he want to leave, I am sure Mr.H is no different.

    While I have never faked orgasms with him, I have gone through having a higher drive and my head enjoying this and played on it. I too felt not good enough, we are though. Everyone is entitled to be tired. You just need to quieten your head – pull back and try to eliminate triggers. Easier said but it will work eventually.

    I really hope you gag the inner bitch and enjoy your event <3 I know, given the determination, you'll be an absolute knockout and Mr.H will be proud to have you on his arm <3

    And btw, you bloody rock as Harley!

    Much love and hugs Xx

    1. Thank you x it is so kind of you to share your own thoughts and your experiences. I had fun dressing up and I think MrH enjoyed the outfit.

  4. Damn that inner bitchy voice! You are beautiful, compassionate, and sexy as hell! You walk into that event like you own the place…while MrH owns you 🙂 Happy one year D/s o’versary!!!

  5. Oh this I can relate to most definitely. That inner voice sucks and since starting swinging, that voice has got worse. Every little comment sounds suspicious, I don’t know when / if this ever goes away, I hope so for all of us that have that inner voice talking to us.
    What little self confidence that has dropped due to being overweight, only to goes to somewhere else, that you don’t like or think that he doesn’t like anymore.
    One thing I say to myself is….
    I am who I am, this is the body I was blessed with, love it or hate it, personally I don’t give a fuck, coz I am who I am, and the body I have I love.
    Have a playful one year anniversary in your D/s dynamic.
    Lots of love and hugs xxxxxx

  6. You have shown enough on here that I can state categorically “You are sexy and beautiful!!” MrH is happy to have you in his life. I know that too. I just don’t know how to quiet your inner bitch. However, I personally try never to listen to bitches or bastards. My advice—do the same!

  7. I relate to this so much. Everything everyone has already commented I totally agree with honey. Youre totally gorgeous in and out in my opinion. I got so much from this personally, not that I would like anyone else to feel like I do at all, but I do find some comfort.in knowing I am not alone with this kind of crazy. Thank you for sharing. xx CC

  8. I understand only too well the power of a negative inner voice that bullies and invalidates and is so, so believable. I’ve not got the answers as still working on that myself, and maybe always will, but I think perhaps just trying to acknowledge it when it comes and trying to understand what lies underneath is part of the way to taking away some of the power it holds. I wish you well, Mr H can help but please believe you hold the power to pay that voice attention and soothe it so she knows she’s safe and hopefully she’ll start to give you some peace xx

      1. It’s all we can do, inner voices are there for a reason I believe, although they can often be distorted and inaccurate. I find if I take the time to listen to them as they rabble on, they run out of steam and I can challenge them more easily, or at least understand where they come from. Good luck, you’ll get there x

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