“I want you to fuck my ass,” was one of the first dirty things I asked Mr H for, if you don’t count spanking or asking him to be my Dominant.  It was also one of the hardest things I have asked for.  In fact asking him to do things to me is something I find really, really hard.

But why?

This is something I ask myself time and time again.  Why, why, why?  The thing is, I really don’t know.  Why can’t I just say what I want or what I would like.  It isn’t as if I don’t have the vocabulary.

I would like you to fuck my arse please?

It isn’t that difficult.

Please would you put a finger inside me?

I’m almost certain Mr H would like me to say it.

Would you give me oral sex please?

So what stops me?  I guess my main worry is that he will say no.

Rejection.

A few years ago our sexual relationship was not great, I would reach out to him and ask if we could have some grown up fun and he would say he was tired.  I was really overweight and I believed that made Mr H not want me where in reality he was unhappy at work, working long hours, worried about my mental health and simply tired a lot.  Between my menstrual issues that created limited opportunities for sex, and the rejections, we probably only had sex 6 times in a 12 to 18 month period.  Every time I felt that he had not wanted to really, he was just doing it for a quiet life.

There were many nights when he would go to sleep and I would cry, feeling fat and disgusting.  My self worth is pretty fragile and at my core I react very badly to the word no.

What you say v’s what I hear.

When Mr H says he is tired, I hear I don’t want you.  My inner monologue turns it into a personal rejection and I am tired becomes an excuse he says rather than admitting that I disgust him.   I try very hard to silence that mean bitch – I mean my inner voice, because she is mean! Really mean!

Even with everything we have been through, the steps forward with the D/s I still fear that deep down he is only with me until someone better comes along.  We have been together for almost 25 years, and I think his mum still thinks he made a mistake.

Rejecting Fear.

So what am I going to do? That’s the million pound question.  At some point I am going to have to face the fear head on and start asking for things.  Perhaps that will be my personal development aim for 2020.   I am going to have to find a way to stop that inner bitch from turning a no into a whole conversation.  Mr H  will help me if I ask him to and he will probably enjoy watching me blush when I ask him to fuck my ass too.

 

Sweetgirl x

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You can read some of our sex stories that include anal and oral sex, by clicking the links below:

A dirty Treat

Friday Night Fun

Bestvibe Double Head Mini Wand Review

Fantastic Friday Fuck

 

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