I have a love hate relationship with my body. Mostly I hate it; sometimes I love it. Mr H on the other hand has always been steady in his adoration and admiration of it. He tells me quite frequently that he loves curves, especially my arse, usually accompanied with a loving squeeze. A few years ago, after my hysterectomy I finally started to lose weight. I had gained so much weight while my back was bad, and from the pain medications that I was very unhappy. Every mirror in our home was hidden unless it was a face mirror because the sight of my body distressed me.
Slimming world success.
I followed the slimming world plan and lost a total of five stone, and two and half of that was while I was on bed rest in 2016. That was the first time my discs bulged and compressed the cauda equina nerves. Only that time it was not constantly compressing my sciatic nerves so I did not need the level of pain relief I am taking this time. I got my five stone award three weeks after I was able to return to work. I felt amazing in my skinny jeans and my arse filled them out beautifully. It was rare that I managed to walk past Mr H without it being touched. Of course with work came stress, and with stress came unhealthy eating habits and the weight has slowly crept back on.
With D/s I found a new form of confidence, Mr H took pictures and bought me lingerie. I laughed and thoroughly enjoyed being ‘perved’ over by him, and once I even did a strip tease for him. We stayed at a small hotel near where we live, an Ibis, and Mr H decided that there was not enough space, but I told him there was and I was right. I shimmed and wiggled to his delight, and I hope very much that I will one day be able to do this again for him. For a short time I felt proud of my body, even my curvy arse.
All the curves.
This latest flare up of my back, has me immobile and on morphine. I am also reaching for the snacks that help me feel better, when I am overcome with loneliness or self pity. Of course this means I have gained back some weight and my clothes no longer fit. Mr H still reaches for me and holds me, even though I once again find the reflection in the mirror upsetting. Don’t get me wrong I have not gained all the weight back, but I am very aware that the beautiful bras I have are not comfortable unless I use a bra extender. I know that once I am able to, when they have operated on my back and I can get up and move about without feeling sick from the pain, I will be able to lose the weight I have gained. In the meantime I need to find a way to accept the curves I have.