One of my rules is that I am supposed to be shaved every day, ready to be fucked. It isn’t like it is too much to ask is it? Mr H likes to eat pussy and, he doesn’t want to be faced with a hairy pussy. I can understand that because I prefer MrH to be trimmed too, not shaved, just trimmed you understand. I like stubble on his face and short hair around his cock. Longer hairs tend to make me gag more.
Lazy or letting yourself go?
I haven’t shaved everyday since my March flare up. I wish I could say it is all because of my back and part of it is. But there is part of it that is simply because when we were not having as much sex I figured whats the point of making the effort. When I ask if he is bothered if I shave Mr H will say no.
I shaved everyday in the first 6 months and we played almost every day. In the next 12 months I continued to shave every day but our play reduced to 2 or 3 times a week. The last 12 months this has reduced further, I shave once or twice a week and we have sex 2 or 3 times a month.
The reasons my mind comes up with.
- My back is bad, and he doesn’t want to hurt me.
- I have become something he has to look after and not a sexual being in his mind.
- I have put some weight back on and am not as attractive.
- He doesn’t want to because he has found someone else.
- All the time he spends looking after me makes him too tired.
It takes two
Mr H has surgery coming up and he hasn’t trimmed his cock hair in a while either; he says it’s because of the upcoming surgery next week where they will be putting instruments into his body through his penis. It’s possible it makes him feel less exposed to have a bit of hair covering him. But part of me worries that it is just that he thinks, why should he bother when I don’t.
I tried this morning to explain I feel disgusting because I can’t shave everyday. He offered to shave me everyday if that is what I wanted. But, the thing is, I don’t want to drain his energy any more than I already do. I want him to look at me and be filled with desire, the way I feel when I look at him. I do not want him to think, fuck now I have to shave all that body as well as dry it before I can relax.
Submissy wrote about an intimate shaving but this would be more of a chore, I don’t think this would be sexy in any way, no it would be a chore. I guess I need Mr H to say either yes I want you to shave, or no I don’t need you shaved, I still want to fuck you.
It kills me.
We have two cane sessions a week. But we do not often mix impact and sex. I need sex, or lots of kissing and intimate touches, to maintain my emotional connection to Mr H. The longer it is between sexual play sessions the more emotionally distant I become, the lower my mood gets. This leads to me having very negative and self destructive thoughts. Thoughts that tell me how disgusting I am, that make me want to scribble over the pictures of my naked body because of how awful it is.
When you feel like you are a burden.
I hate what I have become. He spends some with me and some time downstairs watching tv and I spend all my time upstairs watching box set TV programs. It is where by back feels most comfortable and I can get to the bathroom. I message him when I would like my heat pillows reheating, and I hear his phone ping. Then I hear him sigh and my heart drops, and I want to cry, because I think I recognise that sigh.
When the kids were toilet training and would shout that they had had a poo and needed me to wipe their bottoms. I remember that feeling of resigned obligation. They were my babies, my responsibility, and my job was to take care of them; but, at least in that situation there was an end to that, they would grow up and learn to take care of themselves. More and more Mr H is exhausted by taking care of me. I have become another job. A job he doesn’t get to escape from.
Well there may be a fix ahead, but equally there may not be. It has been suggested that many of my symptoms and medical issues fit the criteria for MS. That is not something that can be fixed and that makes it terrifying. We have no idea what lays ahead.
So, I didn’t tell him why.
Last night when he kissed me and went to sleep, I cried. This morning before he went to work I cried. Did I tell Mr H why I cried? No. Of course not. Not really. I said I felt bad and disgusting, because I am fed up of saying because I feel like you don’t want me. In fact I am even more certain that Mr H is sick and tired of me saying that. Almost as much as he is sick of telling me to stop being silly.
What’s the solution?
Communication. I need to tell him how I feel and we need to sort it out. The last 12 months have been tough. Not going away has affected our dynamic. Bit by bit, chipping away the deeper connection. Unfortunately Mr H really struggles to play at home with the same focus as he achieves at a hotel, and it has been so long since we got away. Some of this is now financial, we do not have the funds to do it, and we have to save for Eroticon. But somehow we have to do it.
It’s hard enough on us both, me accepting that I need help, and him trying to convince me that I’m not a burden. Having said that, over the last year the more he has had to look after me the less I have felt like his wife.
So this image is a little dark, but sometimes its how I feel about me, unattractive, unpretty, unfuckable.
Sweetgirl x
Oh god do I resonate with so much of this… Our playtimes have been drastically reduced too and I miss them so much.
I am very certain it is most def not down to not shaving <3 Your body is beautiful just how you are and I know you might prefer the scribbled out version, but I prefer the one underneath <3 x
Xx thank you ❤
I’m sorry you are in such a bad way with your back, sweetgirl….praying you get some relief soon <3
Thank you-me too
I think a good talk is on order. No recriminations but honest with your feelings. Personally I love a shaved woman. My Queen is usually with a landing strip. She took that off last year and I was in heaven, but now it’s back and I still want her just as much. I still long to please her with my mouth. Lots of things can get in the way of intimacy. I know my Queen starts to feel distant from me when we not have sex for a while (not even that long a time). But she has made it against the rules for me to initiate so I try to seduce her periodically so she will initiate. I’m rambling. Sorry. You need to speak with him and he needs to speak with you. You have to believe him and not doubt what he says. Because in this and other posts you often say that MrH says something but you don’t think it’s true. Trust him because he’s earned it. I hope you have a wonderfully sexy weekend!
Collaredmichael recently posted…The Chastity / Denial Matrix
You are quite right, I do need to trust and believe him, and he has earned it. He reads my blog and this post has led to a talk and tears… and probably more will follow….
I recognise this so much from when I struggled with endometriosis. We went years without sex because it was just too painful for me. We were never kinky, so there was no play, no sex. It was a really low point in our lives and I also felt like a burden. Communication helped a lot. And we found other ways of being intimate. We survived and things are much better now (also because I got rid of the endometriosis…). Lots of love and strength for you both!
Thank you Isabelle, I usually debate sharing these posts, it took me all day to write it, but them I remember this is real life and somewhere out in the universe there may be someone who feels the same way. Knowing you’re not alone is so helpful, knowing people found a way through it is reassuring x
Hugs Sweet. I think you need to talk – I am so sorry about the pain you have and H loves u so much he would want to know how u feel, from a conversation not just by reading this. I do hope things improve for u.
I need to shave too. well my man shaves me – perhaps u could try that? xx
May More recently posted…Target on #SinfulSunday
We did talk May, this post was edited and republished a little following the talk, and we will talk more. I do keep things bottled up because I think I take so much from him without being able to give back, and I don’t want to make him feel bad, like he isn’t meeting my needs when he does so much already.
Perhaps this is an idea… x
Do talk, openly and without fear, about how you feel and what worries you. My best wishes and love x
❤
Thank you for sharing your experiences with this. It is very possible this is what goes through his mind. ❤
Must be something to do with the time of year, so many of us struggle at this time. Communication, it’s always communication isn’t it.
It really is, and it is also so easy to become complacent and think “oh we talk all the time” without actually saying anything of importance – if that makes sense?
I am so sorry you are feeling this way. If it is any help at all I see a beautiful sexy and sensual woman in that picture but I also know how what we see and feel about ourselves is hard to silence. I think you are right about communication though and one thing I have learned is to allow myself to believe what my partner says and not second guess it or add clauses to it and just accept at face value
Molly
thank you x I need to try harder
I definitely think a talk is in order, and for you to tell Mr. H how you feel, but also that when he assures you that he still finds you sexy, has no one else, and that he doesn’t mind caring for you, that he still loves you, you will have to believe him, because sometimes we make it worse in our own minds. I know I do, and I am the caregiver, not the one being cared for. But still sometimes I wonder whether he might not want me anymore. I hope you can have the talk soon, and that it makes you feel better.
And I definitely prefer the image at the bottom.
Rebel xox
Thank you – we have talked – and more.
Sweetgirl x
Oh Sweetgirl – my heart goes out to you. It is not easy feeling sexual when you have health issues or when you have pain, so poor you, dealing with both.
Oh Sweetgirl – my heart goes out to you. It is not easy feeling sexual when you have health issues or when you have pain, so poor you, dealing with both.
I agree with everyone who has suggested you communicate more, I also am sure he loves you to bits and never thinks of you as a burden. He probably knows how much it costs/frustrates you to have to ask for assistance so often.
I sincerely hope his operation improves things and that you can get some relief too. Hugs. xx
Thank you, we have talked lots and will continue to, he is off for his operation today and I’m so nervous about that.
Sweetgirl X
I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. I often feel like a burden and I need constant reassurance that it is okay that I need to be taken care of, and that I am still attractive and fuckable, nevertheless. But it doesn’t always sink in, and when the physical connection just isn’t as strong anymore, then of course the mind starts to wander and wonder. I do hope that things will improve soon, with his surgery, your possible surgery (let’s hope it is not MS; gosh!). Communication is key in every relationship, but it can be so hard when we are struggling.
I am not sure if it matters, but I think you are very sexy.
thank you Devie, it is good to know I am not alone in these feelings – especially when I think I completely nuts!
I really feel for you sweet and know that you are finding things a huge struggle. I think that under the circumstances it is not unexpected that you feel as you do and am glad that you and MrH have talked about it. I realise that the situation you are in is crappy and that it is real but the thoughts in your head are not real. Just because you think them doesn’t make them right and you need to keep trying to challenge that because I do know that MrH does not see you this way, and in terms of his actions towards you, he has given you no reason to think that he doesn’t find you attractive. I think that posting here will be important as all of us saying the same things as Mr H will add more weight to the positives and hopefully help you to challenge the less rational thoughts that you are having. And what about a wax? I know it hurts but you hurt anyway and I know that it costs but maybe it would be worth is as it would be one less thing for you to worry about? It will last a few weeks and you can return to shaving when your mobility improves. Not sure any of this helps but know that we all think you are gorgeous, outside and in! missy x
This resonates with me, when we aren’t physically intimate my head spirals. I’m not good enough, I’m unattractive, I’m unfuckable etc. It’s hard to bring yourself out which just creates a viscous cycle.
Keep talking, make compromises with each other and keep talking some more.
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