What depression means to me.
I posted yesterday that I’m not doing so well. I think that may be an understatement, but rather than prattle on about that, I thought instead I’d share instead what depression means to me because I believe that everyone experiences it differently.
I believe depression is a black hole.
Once it gets you in its grip it slowly strips parts of you away.
Your sense of security.
Your self worth.
Your ability to feel joy.
All sucked slowly away until the black hole has taken everything you have and you are left not as a shell of yourself, no, rather you have become the black hole.
You fear that you take things from other people, that you have become the thing you dread, that you take all these things from those around you, making their lives as black as yours. So you withdraw, further into yourself. You exist inside the black hole looking out. You can see the person you used to be. Everything you had, everything you desperately want back but you’re unable to reach it.
It mocks you this image, out of reach, you see echos of things you want and believe to be lost forever, because in this black hole you are numb to any positive emotion and feel only despair.
Now I know that with time many of us do find a way to release ourselves from the black holes grip. We slowly, piece by piece, rebuild ourselves, but do we ever truly escape that gravitational pull? I don’t think so. I believe we come to exist on the very edge, always afraid we will be pulled back in. I think that hard as we try to rebuild ourselves one part never fits securely back in place, and that’s our sense of security.
Once you have experienced the devastation of depression you are never ever the same. The fear that it will return is ever present, at the back of your mind, threatening your peace of mind.
So when I am asked about my own depression and if I am “better” now, I always reply “I live with depression, and at the moment it’s under control,” because for me it’s always there, just waiting to take me back into the nothingness once more.
If you think that you may be suffering from anxiety or depression take the NHS test here.
I have linked this post to the Sex Bloggers For Mental Health week 43 as it is as relevant today as it was when I wrote it.
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