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#30dayorgasmfun – day 4 and 5

I agreed to take part in this challenge thinking well it will be fun to have to have an orgasm every day and of course in my head MrH would be watching, encouraging, controlling and ultimately be the giver of each one….

Of course reality and fantasy can’t always align.

MrH added some little challenges for me (and anyone else who read them should they wish to try them) with different conditions/locations that the orgasm should take place in or under.

Day 1, I was struggling until MrH joined me and helped.

Day 2, I had to work up a very elaborate fantasy to get in the right head space and it wasn’t a great orgasm.

Day 3, was challenging but again mentally picturing MrH with me, eventually I came but one of the most disappointing orgasms ever.

Day 4, should have been brilliant, awesome, amazing… MrH decided to play. And in my mind this little voice kept saying… You need that orgasm for the challenge. My mind did not fully commit to MrH, and my body didn’t respond properly. I did eventually orgasm, but not like a usual play session where I would have (and I don’t mean to brag) had more than one, or two.

It bothered me. A lot.

It bothered me that this got into my head and disrupted my submissive mental state.

I felt my anxiety increase. What was wrong with me? I didn’t understand why I wasn’t able to enjoy myself.

Now I’ve written about masterbation before (see overcoming embarrassment), it’s not something I tend to do alot, but it’s certainly not something I am against. At age 20 I gave myself my first orgasm (I’d been divorced 15 months) and enjoyed myself regularly from then on …. No one else seemed willing to give it a go so needs must I thought.

I met MrH just before I turned 21 and we started seeing each other about a month after I turned 21. He was the first man to bring me to orgasm and truth be told I’d be extremely happy for him to be the only man to ever do so.

Since we met I wouldn’t say I’ve masterbated a lot. There was a period when he worked 12 hour nights and weekends shifts. This did take its toll on our relationship and yes, I took to pleasing myself because mostly MrH was shattered for 3 weeks out of 4 (and you could guarantee mother nature would call on the 4th).

Fortunately circumstances conspired to bring us back together and we reconnected. I don’t mean to suggest that we were on the brink of separation or anything, rather we were becoming apathetic and just not connecting as we once did. I’ve always been thankful that it didn’t last long and we were both willing to talk and work on regaining intimacy.

Throughout all these years if I felt like a bit of self pleasing I would get on with it… No guilt no drama… Well, a little embarrassment and perhaps shame that I felt the need and certainly not sat in front of MrH… But you know… I could and would enjoy it.

So to start this challenge and find that I don’t want to …. that my body isn’t mine to please… that it doesn’t respond the same as it once did was unsettling.

It shook me a little.

Of course I reached out to some friends for their feedback…

Was this a normal progression with D/s?

Had they experienced this?

They reassured me that yes they had experienced this mental shift. And that I should speak to MrH, which I did.

After discussion we decided that I am not going to continue the challenge as it is. It’s not helping my mental state to feel badly and that’s not the point of the challenge, but we will do some of the things on MrH’s list – when MrH decides we will.

MrH is also very happy that I am becoming his more and more. That my submission is deepening. As for me?

I am his.

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16 thoughts on “#30dayorgasmfun – day 4 and 5”

  1. I am glad that you feel better after your discussion with Mr H sweet and I am sure that you both have lots of fun with the tasks that he chooses when he chooses to give them. Hugs πŸ™‚

  2. In the almost two years HD and I have been together, I’ve noticed a shift in the amount of orgasms I feel like I need/crave, as well as my desire to masturbate. While I certainly feel needy for him all the time, I don’t feel as needy for the actual orgasm (although I definitely still need one on a regular basis…it just isn’t the primary focus anymore). He’s the only man to have been successful with triggering one for me anyway, and I find that the ones he gives me are almost always more satisfying than my solo O’s. I don’t want to get to the point that I can’t O without him (especially since he works away so much!) but I am pleased that my body craves his attention -more- than the release.

    I am not surprised you were unsettled by that. Losing control of one’s responses is scary! And deciding to quit the challenge as it’s stated is probably for the best, since the entire intent is for mental health. Stressing about it certainly wouldn’t be a benefit.

    Enjoy the things on MrH’s list. πŸ™‚

    1. Thank you for sharing your experiences… I’m grateful MrH doesn’t work away. Although I’ve had some awesome O from sexting with MrH (early on) so perhaps in that situation my body would respond if we were in communication via text/video chat …. πŸ€”. 😊

  3. It sounds like a good decision! This type of challenge is no fun if it is causing stress and producing not-so-great orgasms. Here’s to your next mind-blowing one with Mr. H!!! πŸ™‚

  4. Long ago I found out that orgasms vary in intensity and pleasure. As time went on, masturbatory orgasms were only good if I could take my time and effectively edge myself for a while before I allowed myself to cum. If I had to rush, the orgasms were substandard. Now it seems forever since I masturbated.

  5. I was having the same problem and felt absolutely horrible about myself until I read this post. Thank you
    I’m in a long distance relationship and after the last time we saw each other…..things just don’t happen by myself like they use to :-/

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