I don’t want to be disabled

I have written before about how I struggle when MrH has to work on a Saturday, how I get anxious to an, in all honestly unhealthy level and if you follow my blog you will know MrH has been in hospital this week.  He isn’t home yet, but hopefully he is home today.  I have coped emotionally, my anxiety has been normal and healthy, focused on MrH and stay in hospital and him getting better.  What I don’t like is how much the last 3 days have made me face the truth of my situation.  I am disabled.  I am dependent on MrH.  The thing is, when you see me and talk to me, you wouldn’t know.

The last few days have been difficult.  Not just because I miss him on an emotional level, but because I need him for so much of my personal care.  I wrote a post recently about the help I am hoping that occupational health will provide but I don’t think I talked about how much help MrH gives me on a daily basis.

It starts as soon as we wake up.  Most days he has to help me get out of bed.  If I am facing the wrong way he may have to help me roll over because the arm I have been laying on will be asleep, then when I am on the right side he helps me sit up.  From there he helps me into my panties, socks and what ever other bottom half clothing has been selected for the day, and that’s assuming I didn’t need to go to the loo as soon as I sat up.  If that’s the case then MrH will help me stand up and i will, using the crutches, get to the bathroom as quickly as possible, so I don’t pee myself (thank goodness I can still wipe my arse and dry urethral opening and surrounding area, cos that is just not something I could bear to ask MrH to do) and hopefully can get back off the loo otherwise I have to get MrH to help me.

He helps me into my bra, fastening it and then I settle the girls in place.  then he helps me into my top.  At some point we fit in our rituals.  It may be on the way back from the loo.  It may be after I am dressed.  He swaps my collar and we say our words.   He puts the lidocaine patch on my spine.  From there he helps me get comfortable sat in bed (the only position I feel comfortable in, the only place i don’t constantly hurt, the only position which doesn’t make my legs go numb) while he goes and gets me a drink and my breakfast. Yes he brings be drinks because I can’t carry them upstairs safely.  He also brings me a heat pillows to warm the joints so I can get some mobility.

I get up regularly, and wiggle and get warmed up. I used to have 30 mins to do this in, get ready to get out the door.  Now I am working part time I get 2 hours.  It is making a huge difference.  Now MrH leaves before me but in the extra time I have now my mobility has improved.  By the time I leave I am more awake and better able to move about.

At work I have my chair that helps me, and I walk to the kitchen and bathroom every once in a while.  I am at work for five hours and when I get home I am tired and ready to rest.  My pain will be up a level but nothing unusual, and not as high as it would be if I had been at work all day.  When MrH comes home he makes me a drink, and cooks tea.  I am completely dependent on him for everything.

Without him I can’t shower.  Our shower is over our bath and I can’t climb in it, or out of it.  MrH has been in hospital since Wednesday, and I am wishing I had showered on Tuesday night.  If he wasn’t coming home today I don’t know what I would do.  There are family members who have walk in showers but that would involve driving to their houses and asking them to dry me afterwards, and that isn’t something I am ready or willing to do.

I now have an appointment with the spinal orthopedic team, on the 12th November.  I guess this will give me a better idea of what to expect, if there is a possibility, of some surgical fix.   But I guess in the mean time I have to accept that I am disabled and learn to accept it.

I have decided to link this to Wicked Wednesday #388 Observe, because watching people is something MrH does, he is a people watcher,and he watches me.  He knows when I am trying to hide how much pain in, he knows how I hate feeling so useless and helpless.  To see more posts on this topic click the image below.

 

 

22 Replies to “I don’t want to be disabled”

  1. I have been disabled for around 15 years.
    When I first purchased a walking stick, I got home and propped it in a corner. It stayed there for months,because I didn’t want to admit I needed to use it.
    My wife has been a wheelchair user for 8 years now and I help her with many of the same things that MrH does with you. We finally gave in and purchased carer time to come in and help her shower. This week we added changing the bedding and vacuuming to that.
    Our situations are a little different of course, but we took a long time to adjust to our new realities.
    Wishing you and MrH all the best.

    1. I just don’t want to become something he always has to ‘look after’, I want to be his wife. I want my body to be something that turns him on, something he can enjoy, not something he sees as a job…. I’m sure you and your wife will understand that ❤

  2. We do understand that. e worked hard to separate my being her carer from being her husband and dom.
    We worked it out.
    She understands that I do not see her as a burden. I love her, how could I see her as such? 🙂

  3. Pain is a nasty thing—particularly when it never stops. I hope they find a way to relieve yours. But I wouldn’t worry about how Mr H sees you—he’s wearing rose coloured glasses and all he sees is his love!

  4. This sounds really hard sweet but I am sure that you and MrH will work out a way of keeping the caring role and the other roles apart. Love works like that and I know how much you love each other. I am hoping that you get some medical help soon too so ray the pain can be alleviated a bit 😊

  5. What silverdom says – you’re in it together, for the long term…..and you’re coping between you, so all good.
    When did you change your job? Have I been asleep?!

      1. And I hope it is going better than the last bunch of fuckwit Directors you worked with…..
        With a bit of muck MrH is home now. x

  6. It seems like things have become quite different and overwhelming for you the last few days, and with that came a realization or two. Acceptance is a process, and you are now at another point on that path, a difficult point. From your posts I can see that you and MrH are in a very stable and loving relationship and I am sure that roles can be tweeked and adapted so they fit into new circumstances. I really wish you good luck with everything, sweet, and I hope your appointment on the 12th will give you the answers that you need! <3

  7. I am so sorry you have to go through this, sweet. I see the struggle in my husband, having to accept that he will never get better than he is now, but probably worse, and end up in a wheelchair for most of the time. As someone on the same side of the spectrum as Mr. H., I want to say that I have no problem at all to help my husband, that I have married him not only for the good times, but also the bad. I try to understand how you feel, and how Master T feel because of the care you need from your partners. I say try, because we will never feel what you feel. What I do know, is that I love my husband so much, and I don’t mind caring for him, even if he ends up in a wheelchair. I won’t lie, it’s not always easy, but our love is strong and that makes the bad days easier. I suspect Mr. H feel the same where you are concerned. I really hope that you will know more on the 12th, and that you can get some help at home in some or other way, to make things easier for you.

    Much love,
    Rebel xox

  8. Wow Sweet, I honestly had no idea. I’ve read kinky posts of yours but this is so honest and educated me. I admire you for that and for how you’re coping. Mr H sounds a wonderful, loving husband and the way you are maintainining your D/s lifestyle is great, and I’d guess has required effort and commitment by both of you. There is such a strong message of love and care in your post. As others have said before me, I doubt he considers any of what he does for you a burden, although I am sure you both feel the challenge of it sometimes.

    I hope he is better from what kept him in hospital very soon and I wish you luck and positive news for your consultation on the 12th. I think you sharing this is very important and will help others.

  9. Oh Sweet – my heart goes out to you – pain is a dreadful thing to cope with as is anxiety – I do hope things get better for you on this front – fingers crossed for your appointment on the 12th – and that Mr H is well again soon. This year has been a hard one for so many of us. I think it is in the stars alignment or something ridiculous x

  10. I’m sorry that you have such pain and problems with your mobility. I can’t imagine how much it must wear on you. I hope that your specialist appointment will bring some hope.

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