I have written before about how I struggle when MrH has to work on a Saturday, how I get anxious to an, in all honestly unhealthy level and if you follow my blog you will know MrH has been in hospital this week. He isn’t home yet, but hopefully he is home today. I have coped emotionally, my anxiety has been normal and healthy, focused on MrH and stay in hospital and him getting better. What I don’t like is how much the last 3 days have made me face the truth of my situation. I am disabled. I am dependent on MrH. The thing is, when you see me and talk to me, you wouldn’t know.
The last few days have been difficult. Not just because I miss him on an emotional level, but because I need him for so much of my personal care. I wrote a post recently about the help I am hoping that occupational health will provide but I don’t think I talked about how much help MrH gives me on a daily basis.
It starts as soon as we wake up. Most days he has to help me get out of bed. If I am facing the wrong way he may have to help me roll over because the arm I have been laying on will be asleep, then when I am on the right side he helps me sit up. From there he helps me into my panties, socks and what ever other bottom half clothing has been selected for the day, and that’s assuming I didn’t need to go to the loo as soon as I sat up. If that’s the case then MrH will help me stand up and i will, using the crutches, get to the bathroom as quickly as possible, so I don’t pee myself (thank goodness I can still wipe my arse and dry urethral opening and surrounding area, cos that is just not something I could bear to ask MrH to do) and hopefully can get back off the loo otherwise I have to get MrH to help me.
He helps me into my bra, fastening it and then I settle the girls in place. then he helps me into my top. At some point we fit in our rituals. It may be on the way back from the loo. It may be after I am dressed. He swaps my collar and we say our words. He puts the lidocaine patch on my spine. From there he helps me get comfortable sat in bed (the only position I feel comfortable in, the only place i don’t constantly hurt, the only position which doesn’t make my legs go numb) while he goes and gets me a drink and my breakfast. Yes he brings be drinks because I can’t carry them upstairs safely. He also brings me a heat pillows to warm the joints so I can get some mobility.
I get up regularly, and wiggle and get warmed up. I used to have 30 mins to do this in, get ready to get out the door. Now I am working part time I get 2 hours. It is making a huge difference. Now MrH leaves before me but in the extra time I have now my mobility has improved. By the time I leave I am more awake and better able to move about.
At work I have my chair that helps me, and I walk to the kitchen and bathroom every once in a while. I am at work for five hours and when I get home I am tired and ready to rest. My pain will be up a level but nothing unusual, and not as high as it would be if I had been at work all day. When MrH comes home he makes me a drink, and cooks tea. I am completely dependent on him for everything.
Without him I can’t shower. Our shower is over our bath and I can’t climb in it, or out of it. MrH has been in hospital since Wednesday, and I am wishing I had showered on Tuesday night. If he wasn’t coming home today I don’t know what I would do. There are family members who have walk in showers but that would involve driving to their houses and asking them to dry me afterwards, and that isn’t something I am ready or willing to do.
I now have an appointment with the spinal orthopedic team, on the 12th November. I guess this will give me a better idea of what to expect, if there is a possibility, of some surgical fix. But I guess in the mean time I have to accept that I am disabled and learn to accept it.
I have decided to link this to Wicked Wednesday #388 Observe, because watching people is something MrH does, he is a people watcher,and he watches me. He knows when I am trying to hide how much pain in, he knows how I hate feeling so useless and helpless. To see more posts on this topic click the image below.