I’m drained. Emotionally. Physically. Mentally.
I want to curl up and cry.
MrH knows I’m not ok, and he’s worried but I don’t know how to fix me, I don’t know what I need.
I feel distant and disconnected, from myself and everything.
The last few weeks (months?) have caught up with me.
I’ve had a few friends I haven’t been able to connect with/talk to because, well they are busy and have their own things to deal with, but I miss them and end up feeling like I’ve done something wrong and that’s why they haven’t been in touch.
At the moment my main assistant is on holiday and this leaves me covering her role as well as managing the junior. On top of that the top management are off due to holidays and sickness. I haven’t had a break from work because, well just because. When I was on holiday my assistant suffered a bereavement and she and the junior didn’t cope with my absence, so I had phone calls and things to deal with. I’m not off again until September and I am looking forward to it. I need to have a break.
At home we had a crisis to deal with and then this week we went to the munch (which tires me) don’t get me wrong, I mean I like going but this week I challenged myself not to stay sat at MrH’s side and to talk to someone new. I opened a dialogue with a lady sat at the bar, and managed to reduce her to tears as she told me about herself. She apologised profusely, embarrassed, but as I said, clearly she needed to cry and so I listened and comforted her as best I could. Given my anxieties this took a toll.
We haven’t had a proper break away from home since April, and we need one. Our play at home isn’t the same. MrH isn’t relaxed because of S2 and even when he goes out MrH is conscious that he could come home at anytime. We have been to the premier inn for a stay but there was no full on play, and the purpose was to go to the munch without having to drive home, not to reconnect through play. When we go away on a weekend break it gives us the opportunity to immerse ourselves in each other and recharge our connection and batteries.
I’m sure I will come back up soon. In the mean time I guess sweet drinks and cuddles are on the cards.