Down, Drained and Disconnected

I’m drained. Emotionally. Physically. Mentally.

I want to curl up and cry.

MrH knows I’m not ok, and he’s worried but I don’t know how to fix me, I don’t know what I need.

I feel distant and disconnected, from myself and everything.

The last few weeks (months?) have caught up with me.

External factors

I’ve had a few friends I haven’t been able to connect with/talk to because, well they are busy and have their own things to deal with, but I miss them and end up feeling like I’ve done something wrong and that’s why they haven’t been in touch.

Works contribution

At the moment my main assistant is on holiday and this leaves me covering her role as well as managing the junior. On top of that the top management are off due to holidays and sickness. I haven’t had a break from work because, well just because. When I was on holiday my assistant suffered a bereavement and she and the junior didn’t cope with my absence, so I had phone calls and things to deal with. I’m not off again until September and I am looking forward to it. I need to have a break.

Emotional drains

At home we had a crisis to deal with and then this week we went to the munch (which tires me) don’t get me wrong, I mean I like going but this week I challenged myself not to stay sat at MrH’s side and to talk to someone new. I opened a dialogue with a lady sat at the bar, and managed to reduce her to tears as she told me about herself. She apologised profusely, embarrassed, but as I said, clearly she needed to cry and so I listened and comforted her as best I could. Given my anxieties this took a toll.

Immersion

We haven’t had a proper break away from home since April, and we need one. Our play at home isn’t the same. MrH isn’t relaxed because of S2 and even when he goes out MrH is conscious that he could come home at anytime. We have been to the premier inn for a stay but there was no full on play, and the purpose was to go to the munch without having to drive home, not to reconnect through play. When we go away on a weekend break it gives us the opportunity to immerse ourselves in each other and recharge our connection and batteries.

I’m sure I will come back up soon. In the mean time I guess sweet drinks and cuddles are on the cards.

14 Replies to “Down, Drained and Disconnected”

  1. I recomend Hot tea with honey. Time to sit in the grass and watch the sun come up, listen to the peaceful stillness of the morning. Whenever things feel overwhelming and sad go back to the simple things. Focus on enjoying the things we take for granted and forget are wonderful. Sometimes we need to be reminded of the wonders that are right in front of us.

  2. I think we feel so many things at once that everything becomes so overwhelming. I hope you get that break soon and can reconnect with yourself as well as MrH. Like sirhanz said take your ‘beverage of choice’ sit outside soak up some sun and breath. It won’t fix everything but sometimes it gives you a temporary reprieve.

    Until then we are all still here for you! ๐Ÿ˜˜

  3. I don’t know you save through a couple of your blog posts. I do, however, have lived experience with similar symptoms. I have mental health diagnoses of bipolar type 1 which means I experience mania and depression, and because of my mixed features I can experience both simultaneously. I also have major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder, complex PTSD from ongoing traumas when I was younger.

    I tell you these things so you can understand where I’m coming from when I offer lay, non-professional recommendations. It sounds like you have ongoing anxiety because of your work situations and the inability to disconnect from the stresses. It also sounds like you’re disconnecting from what you love, those who love you, and are losing the joy you once had for your favorite activities. It sounds like depression. It sounds like you are in the thick of a depressive episode. Your self-doubts, your self-deprecation about being a bother to your friends. All of that negative self-talk is cutting you up.

    I suggest you look into having a psychologist or psychiatrist check you out to determine officially if these symptoms and thoughts are what they seem to be to me. Even if they turn out to be less serious than I think they could be, you’ve been checked out and appropriate treatment can be obtained, be it counseling, coping skills learned, medications, etc.

    I suffered for over forty years before something happened that finally broke me and made me undone. Only then did I learn that a good part of my living hell was from undiagosed, untreated mental health issues. I’m much better almost four years after I sought treatment.

    I know there is stigma in mental illness diagnoses. I know being diagnosed is frightening. I’m here to be an empathetic voice and presence to be a supportive influence. I know what it feels like to be where you are now. Even my intimate life has kink and BDSM. I know personally similar situations and how they feel.

    Even if my insights toward what I think you might be facing with mental health, you’ll at least know for certain one way or the other.

  4. *hug* You have been under quite a lot of strain, at work and at home, by the sounds of it. I’m not sure how to help and I don’t want to give suggestions that sound patronizing. ๐Ÿ™ I have down periods that aren’t due to depression or mental health in general (just from life) and I talk with a counselor twice a month, which helps tremendously. She listens, which helps me unpack everything so I don’t feel so burdened with it, and she gives me tools for dealing with the issues as they crop up which keeps me from feeling overwhelmed by everything. Perhaps something like that would help? It isn’t therapy per se and I am not being treated for anything specifically, but we address how I am feeling and what I can do to help myself get out of feeling that way. Maybe you just need someone outside your circle, an objective party who doesn’t have an emotional investment, to talk to.

    I hope things settle down for you.

I'd love to hear your thoughts... please leave me a comment.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.