Hide behind your mask

I have worked hard to become more authentic. I used to present a face to the world that I thought they wanted to see. My mum raised me to be a confident outgoing little girl. She didn’t care if that’s what I was comfortable with, it was what she wanted.

I grew up and became a teenager, in a dysfunctional home, and I then had to present a new face, that of the perfect home. There’s a uk show called Keeping up Appearances and my brother and I became convinced we were living in some weird version of the show.

Our home was anything but perfect but in front of family and friends we were expected to put on a happy face.

It became normal for me to pretend I was ok. From the outside I was a confident, strong woman who was intelligent and funny. People thought I had a good life.

I’m Fine

This was my standard reply to any and all questions. I used to go to bed thinking that it would be written on my grave, She was fine. Even when I was anything but fine, this is all I said.

I wore my mask well. No one knew I was screaming inside. I’ve written before about the masks I’ve worn and how they came crashing down, bringing me with them. I’ll put a link at the end of this post to it.

The mummy mask

At 18 I gave birth to S1, a beautiful baby boy, he weighed 8lbs 11oz, arrived 18 days past his due date, and I was in labour a mere four and a half hours. From that moment on he was my primary concern.

I’m not sure you ever really take off the mummy mask, I have had a second baby since then and although they are now 25 and 20 they are still my babies and I would slay dragons for them.

No matter what I was going through I would still be there for them.

The wife mask

I met MrH and we got married. I tried to become the wife I thought he would want. I failed. I didn’t get up early and make his lunch for him. I didn’t cook our evening meal every day.

For a short time I tried to present an image for MrH mum of the kind of wife I thought she would approve of.

These were not things that MrH asked me to do. In fact he once sent me back to bed when I tried to get up and make his lunch.

Discarding the masks

After my dad died, I suffered a breakdown and I found I couldn’t keep the pretences up. I didn’t want to waste my life being something I wasn’t.

MrH didn’t question the change. In fact he has never acted in any way that suggests the thinks I have changed. I think he saw the real me from the start.

His love and unwavering support has made it possible for me to discover who I am. I tried different things in order to find out what made me happy.

No more masks

I don’t hide myself anymore. MrH gives me the strength to be me, and know that’s enough. I don’t have to put on makeup to face the day. I don’t have to say I’m fine when I’m not.

I have a job that I enjoy. I work with people who I get along with.

I have a husband I adore, a home I feel safe and secure in, and a dynamic that makes me the me I want to be.

These days if I wear a mask it is a blindfold and that’s always a fun time. We did buy the masks in the featured image to wear if the occasion called for it, or for pictures for our blogs, but so far they haven’t been used much.

I like to think that now what you see when you look at me is what and who I am.

To see more posts inspired by this weeks topic judging things at face value click the link below.

Link:

F4TF I’m Not Crazy

20 Replies to “Hide behind your mask”

  1. I think we all wear masks. It’s just a matter of if you choose to wear one.. or you are unable to take it off. I choose to wear mine. I have many and they help me to interact with society and family. But I can choose to take them off. Discard them at will. They are tools.. nothing more. I pity those that cant take it off… or worse yet.. are under so many layers they dont even realize that they are wearing one.

  2. This is such a wonderful post. I’m so pleased you’ve been able to shed the masks that weren’t working for you and be who it is you are happy being and that MrH was there with you every step of the way is wonderful x

  3. I used to call it being a ‘social chameleon’ – wearing the right mask for the audience and occasion. Very relatable how some of those pressures became way too much and there’s a choice of destroy the mask or destroy yourself.

    It’s great to read that it’s the masks you’ve got rid of and that there’s joy in being and presenting as the real you. x

  4. Wonderful post depicting a difficult journey. Happily you’re at a much better place now than in your childhood, so grateful your life is enhanced by your beautiful children – I totally get the dragon-slaying mindset too. I’m sorry you had a breakdown, but now you have arrived somewhere you can be yourself, I’m delighted your mask is off and you are living your best life. Respect.

    1. Thank you.. as rough as it was I think without the breakdown I wouldn’t be the person I am today or have the amazing marriage I have, and for that I am thankful.

  5. Thanks sweet for a really brave post xx Wearing a mask overtime to cover pain eventually wears us down and then we don’t know which mask is the real us anymore. So glad you were able to shed those masks (it feels so freeing!) and that you’ve had MrH with you every step of the way. It’s a blessing when you have someone who can see right through those masks and give us the strength not to use them anymore. ๐Ÿ˜Š

  6. I never hide myself, but I do believe we all have different kinds of masks to take on the different roles in our lives. But even if you put on one of those masks, you can still be authentic, as you should always be who you truly are ๐Ÿ™‚

    Rebel xox

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