Tell Me About: Dominance

When I asked MrH to explore BDSM with me I didn’t really know where it would lead. In my mind I painted a picture of what it would be like and how it would work. The reality was quite different. 100% better than I thought possible.

I need his dominance to make me feel good.

I need him to be in control to feel secure.

I need to feel taken care of to feel safe.

I need to know I am accountable to feel wanted.

Relinquishing control

I didn’t think it would be an easy thing for MrH to do, I had always been the driving force in our relationship. I had always felt like I was the one in control. After my first husband cheated on me and I was a single mum for a few years I needed to feel like I was the one calling the shots. After the way I felt as a child living at home, scared and out of control, I needed to feel that.

At least that’s what I believed at the time.

In reality I held onto that belief so tightly that when I finally realised that control is actually an illusion, that we never really have control, when my dad died, when we lost our home, I had a nervous breakdown. My therapist told me I had spent so long putting things into boxes, that the lid no longer fit on, that the traumas had escaped and now I needed to face them. She was right and we worked through it. I’m still working through it, but it’s only since I stopped trying to get that feeling of control back that I’ve found a true sense of calm, of peace.

The insecurity I held inside, the things I felt I had to hide from MrH, the things I was afraid to voice because I thought he would run away, turned out to be things he was strong enough to take. Turns out when I voiced them he was able to not only help me deal with them, but he was able to find a way to manage them.

He stepped up in a way I didn’t think he could, and that made me ashamed.

I suddenly worried that I had been emasculating him by constantly challenging his ability to make decisions, which I did, all the time! He used to say (on the rare occasions that he drove the car) “why don’t you tell me which way you want me to go, that way I’ll go the right way”.

I started to examine all the things I did wrong. All the times I questioned his decisions. All the times I lied to him. I mean I didn’t cheat on him or anything, but I wouldn’t tell him everything. I spent money without consideration. I faked orgasms. I realised that I was fake. I had been trying to be what I “thought” he wanted. I was trying to be someone I wasn’t.

Respecting MrH

I realised that I didn’t respect his ability to make decisions.

Even at the beginning, I second guessed him.

He came up with rituals. And I didn’t Trust him to do them.

I thought he was only doing it to “make me happy” to “appease” me.

I didn’t believe he wanted to do it. To be in control.

It wasn’t until I read his post A New Doms Tale that I realised he knew exactly what he was doing.

After I read this I let go. After I read this I stopped fighting.

Being Me

After this epiphany things really changed for me. I am a work in progress, don’t get me wrong, but MrH is what I need. It wasn’t until I became submissive and allowed MrH to become my Dominant that things really made sense to me.

Knowing that he’s got this, helps me relax and be me.

Knowing he will keep me safe, makes me strong.

Knowing he loves me, with every single fibre of his being, makes me glow.

Knowing he is willing to hold my hand in front of the world and say “see this incredible woman? She is Mine!”

Knowing he is my biggest cheerleader encourages me to be better.

Knowing I am his makes me – well me.

8 Replies to “Tell Me About: Dominance”

  1. Finding that control is an illusion is real scary. I’m glad to see how you got yourself out of that trap and that MrH was instrumental in it.

    As someone who spent most of their life being in strict control I first thought that submission was a welcome break from the real world … and then I woke up one day and found that submission was the norm that enabled me to see the other parts of my life so very differently.

    melody xx

    PS For the last couple of years I’ve been following furcissy’s posts and never seen any overlap with those I knew from the sex blogger community. His last very thoughtful post drew comments from yourself and some others I’ve recently come to know from their writings. I’m really glad to now see this overlap because anyone else who considers him thought provoking is well worth reading and listening to,

    1. Thank you ๐Ÿ˜Š I have read his work for about 2 years now, I came across him on the safewords club and found his advice and work both informative and interesting. His content is so well researched and sometimes he challenges us to question our preconceived perceptions.

  2. This post is so much everything I feel about D/s. Beautifully and honestly put. I also appreciated the link to his post. It was an interesting post. And I can see why it assured you.

  3. I really enjoyed reading about the way that Dominance has made a difference to you and your life with Mr H. I know what you mean about control too and the letting go is definitely hard. A great post sweet ๐Ÿ™‚

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