When I asked MrH to explore BDSM with me I didn’t really know where it would lead. In my mind I painted a picture of what it would be like and how it would work. The reality was quite different. 100% better than I thought possible.
I need his dominance to make me feel good.
I need him to be in control to feel secure.
I need to feel taken care of to feel safe.
I need to know I am accountable to feel wanted.
I didn’t think it would be an easy thing for MrH to do, I had always been the driving force in our relationship. I had always felt like I was the one in control. After my first husband cheated on me and I was a single mum for a few years I needed to feel like I was the one calling the shots. After the way I felt as a child living at home, scared and out of control, I needed to feel that.
At least that’s what I believed at the time.
In reality I held onto that belief so tightly that when I finally realised that control is actually an illusion, that we never really have control, when my dad died, when we lost our home, I had a nervous breakdown. My therapist told me I had spent so long putting things into boxes, that the lid no longer fit on, that the traumas had escaped and now I needed to face them. She was right and we worked through it. I’m still working through it, but it’s only since I stopped trying to get that feeling of control back that I’ve found a true sense of calm, of peace.
The insecurity I held inside, the things I felt I had to hide from MrH, the things I was afraid to voice because I thought he would run away, turned out to be things he was strong enough to take. Turns out when I voiced them he was able to not only help me deal with them, but he was able to find a way to manage them.
He stepped up in a way I didn’t think he could, and that made me ashamed.
I suddenly worried that I had been emasculating him by constantly challenging his ability to make decisions, which I did, all the time! He used to say (on the rare occasions that he drove the car) “why don’t you tell me which way you want me to go, that way I’ll go the right way”.
I started to examine all the things I did wrong. All the times I questioned his decisions. All the times I lied to him. I mean I didn’t cheat on him or anything, but I wouldn’t tell him everything. I spent money without consideration. I faked orgasms. I realised that I was fake. I had been trying to be what I “thought” he wanted. I was trying to be someone I wasn’t.
I realised that I didn’t respect his ability to make decisions.
Even at the beginning, I second guessed him.
He came up with rituals. And I didn’t Trust him to do them.
I thought he was only doing it to “make me happy” to “appease” me.
I didn’t believe he wanted to do it. To be in control.
It wasn’t until I read his post A New Doms Tale that I realised he knew exactly what he was doing.
After I read this I let go. After I read this I stopped fighting.
After this epiphany things really changed for me. I am a work in progress, don’t get me wrong, but MrH is what I need. It wasn’t until I became submissive and allowed MrH to become my Dominant that things really made sense to me.
Knowing that he’s got this, helps me relax and be me.
Knowing he will keep me safe, makes me strong.
Knowing he loves me, with every single fibre of his being, makes me glow.
Knowing he is willing to hold my hand in front of the world and say “see this incredible woman? She is Mine!”
Knowing he is my biggest cheerleader encourages me to be better.
Knowing I am his makes me – well me.