Blogging from A2Z 2019: Why

I’ve always liked to know how things work. “Why?” Drove my mum mad when I was a toddler… my boys were similarly curious.

Unfortunately, why? has been the root cause of much of my mental health issues.

Why did my dad have to die suddenly of a heart attack, aged 51?

Why did my mum let my stepfather terrorise me?

Why did my first husband cheat?

Why didn’t my dad pick me up from the train station when I would visit as a single mum like he did my brother?

Why am I not good enough?

Why…..

It is this word than runs around my head when I am alone. When I am unoccupied.

Why…..

My youngest brother once said to me “I think you need a grown up to be present when you go rummaging in your mind” and he was right. I can linger on the negative areas. Allow them to consume me.

I need a grown up to remind me to move on, to remember I can do nothing about it now.

I have learned to accept I will never know the answers to the questions I wished I had asked my dad when he was alive.

I have learned to accept I will never fully forgive my mum, but I accept she did the best she felt able to do. I believe she was scared for herself and so didn’t interfere.

But sometimes when the silence surrounds me, when MrH isn’t there to hug and reassure why raises its head.

Why do I feel anxious about leaving the house?

Why am I such a burden on those around me?

Why can’t I stop these negative thoughts?

Why?

A seemly innocent word is to me the devil in disguise and it beckons me down a dark path.

2 Replies to “Blogging from A2Z 2019: Why”

  1. You are certainly good enough! Lots of questions in this post that might be nice to know the answer to—but as you point out, knowing the answer won’t change history. I’ve been reading your posts almost as long as you’ve been writing them. This is what I know about you.
    You are a caring individual. You suffer pain all of the time but still function and give of yourself to your family. You are in a long time caring & loving relationship. This shows that he values you above all others and that you are better than good enough in his eyes. You have demonstrated kindness in your posts as well as resilience, honesty, determination and a host of other positive attributes. I am pleased to call you friend—if only of the internet kind. Perhaps one day that may change, and I would be glad if it did. The more I think of it the more I realize what an exceptional person you are. Those who have you in their lives are lucky. Stay well! Keep out of the darkness because it is lying to you. Listen to those who know you and believe what they say. You are valued beyond measure!!!

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