Blogging from A2Z 2019: Effort

Relationships require effort and I think that a D/s relationship requires more than most.

I’m not trying to diminish in any way a loving, healthy vanilla relationship, not at all, but I believe we can become quite complacent in long term relationships. We can take our partners for granted. Sex can become routine, I mean if you know what works for each other that’s what you’re going to do – right? Daily living takes over from excitement and passion and falls into the pattern of work, eat, shag?, sleep repeat…. maybe at weekends you go out, maybe you do chores, but I think you get my point.

When we sat down and discussed what it would mean for us to enter into a power exchange dynamic, for our sex to include bondage, impact play and for me to submit control of my body to MrH we entered into a period of frank communication the likes of which we had never had.

We went back to basics as it were, re-evaluating our sexual likes and dislikes. In many ways I was at fault in limiting our sexual fun. Not knowing how to tell MrH exactly what I wanted, not knowing what really got me off, I faked orgasms to, in my mind, make sure MrH felt he satisfied me, because he really wanted to. I don’t do this any more. It would be lying to him and I don’t want to do that. More to the point I don’t need to. When MrH intends to allow me to orgasm, that’s exactly what happens!

We accepted that we needed to make more of an effort to spend time together. Time as a couple. Our children are adults now but one still lives at home. We are rarely afforded time in the house together without him about. This makes us self conscious of any noise emanating from our bedroom.

So we decided to start going away to hotels for a night away. Our version of “date night” I guess.

MrH has, I believe, had to put in much more effort than me. He has the responsibility for planning how play will take place. He has to plan a scene, even if it’s just a rough idea, and then put that into action. He has to decide if he will use rope or cuffs. He has to send me instructions of what I am to pack. For a man who hadn’t, prior to entering into this dynamic with me, even booked a table at a restaurant and taken me out for a meal, this is a big deal.

We have refocused on one another and now make the effort to make sure we check in. We make the effort to make sure we don’t fall back into bad habits so we never again take each other for granted. Quite the opposite. Now we make every effort to ensure we know exactly how important and loved we are by each other.

8 Replies to “Blogging from A2Z 2019: Effort”

  1. The “never even booked a table before” bit is somehow both shockingly “Whaaa…?!?!” and extremely common.

    Men so rarely have to manage day-to-day details in traditional relationships, let alone do the organization for special occasions.

    It sounds like your overall relationship dynamic has changed for the better, and it’s heartwarming to read that you’ve chosen to focus – and refocus – on each other in honest and attentive ways.

  2. Its been lovely to read your journey so far and the ways D/s has impacted your life.

    I think effort is required to maintain a D/s relationship. It requires a ton of communication or things can go wrong. It is possible for it to get as stale as a regular relationship if the communication isn’t there.

  3. Some great points here and I agree with what you have said about focus and effort. We have found that having the structure of D/s has allowed us to have the focus that we needed 😊

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