The willingness to expose yourself, to bare your soul, to another person is exceptionally hard. When you think about it, it goes against the basic survival instinct to protect yourself. You’re voluntarily giving someone the ability to hurt you, sometimes obliterate you. But that is what some of us are willing to do.
This isn’t something that comes easily to me and yet once I started us on this path it is something I have had to do.
First of all I had to start overcoming my fears of rejection and shame in order to tell MrH what kind of play I wanted us to try. I was scared that he would run away, call me names, be disgusted… you name it, I worried about it! Of course he didn’t.
I had to overcome my own insecurities (a work in progress believe me) and trust that he wouldn’t want to change our monogamous status.
I had to trust him to know what’s best for us and allow him the power to make the decisions without question or challenging him (a lessor work in progress but I could do better – especially when he’s driving!)
I had to allow myself to be neurotic and insecure and pathetic in front of him because if I don’t tell him I feel broken he can’t put me back together.
Since that first conversation MrH has seen me become an emotional puddle more than once over, more often than not, a miss communication or miss understanding.
MrH isn’t the most verbose person, this is nothing new to us, and so he is having to work on this as much as I am because I need his reassurances.
Since we became Dominant and submissive we have each faced challenges, and pushed ourselves and each other to push past our comfort zones.
We joined online communities, and chatted to people.
We went to a fairly local munch. This comes with the potential risk (albeit slight as everyone is there for the same event) of exposure.
Initially I wrote in a physical diary. Writing what I thought so MrH could read it. That way he could guide a conversation to discuss the things worrying me and reassure me as needed. This evolved into this blog, where I took the risk of sharing these thoughts, not only with MrH, but with the world.
I pushed my boundaries further when I decided to take part in Sinful Sunday, posting nude images of myself to challenge my self perceptions. This did help me feel that my point of view was probably skewed and maybe I am not as unattractive/unsexy as I think, thanks to some very lovely compliments.
I don’t really take part in this anymore and some of that is to do with the evolution of our D/s.. my body is MrH’s and it is up to him to share nude images/or not as the case maybe.
But back to the prompt, vulnerability… in many ways I’ve never felt more vulnerable and safe at the same time, as I do within the dynamic we live.
I am exposed to him. More exposed than I have ever dared be before.
There’s still things I conceal and hide but MrH is patient and I will eventually reveal and share them. Some of these things I probably couldn’t explain if I tried. I just know sometimes there’s things I want to say and ask for but I don’t. Not yet.
It’s a strange thing really as we have known each other for almost 24 years… we’ve been living together for 21 years and married for nearly 20… but the last 18 months have found me being the most open and honest with my emotional needs and my physical. They have also been the most amazing and satisfying from not only a sexual point of view but emotionally as well.
Allowing myself to admit my needs and wants, to share my fears has also meant we can address those fears, and satisfy the needs. In turn this has settled me, calmed me and made me braver.
So while I make myself vulnerable to potential hurt I’ve also allowed myself to feel safer because, instead of trying to shield myself from hurt by building a wall around me with him on the outside, now, I stand inside the arms of my protector, my knight, the man who has shown me what is achievable with trust and love.
To see more posts about “Vulnerability” click the link above.