I’m fine….

These two words are a lie.

Almost every (and I’m going to say it) woman who utters these two words just lied.

Add in a mental illness and everyone, man or woman, who says it – lied, but we would rather lie than inflict our pain on someone else.

We would rather hide behind the lie than face the truth and say it. I am not fine.

It took me years to get the courage to be honest when someone asked me “are you ok?”

Because “I’m tired” or “I’m struggling” or “I’m heading towards the blackest out of despair” sounds either inadequate or overly dramatic.

MrH has learned to recognise the signs and I have learned to open up.

Some of it has improved with the D/s. I will seek out hugs when I’m feeling low. MrH and I snuggle more which helps and of course the play keeps my mood elevated too.

The emotional closeness that the dynamic has reinforced and strengthened has really made a difference for me, but I know many people in my vanilla circle who have and do struggle with mental illness.

I have one friend who has attempted suicide a number of times, who is unfortunately her own worst enemy when it comes to her mental health. She can’t say no. She tries to do everything without asking for help and as a result every few years she burns herself out.

And I see it happening – but I can’t stop it or prevent it.

I don’t know who said it first, but it’s a true thing as an adult, “you are only responsible for your self” (yes you may be responsible for looking after your children but you know what I mean) and you have to, at some point, recognise that you have to take care of yourself first, and some of that means saying no.

No, I can’t go out with you tomorrow.

No, I can’t work late.

No, I can’t look after your children/pets.

No, I don’t want to go to my cousins wedding.

Saying “No” doesn’t make you a bad person. But it might keep you sane.

And do you know what I’ve found? Saying “I’m not ok” doesn’t make you a bad person either, it does mean some people may feel uncomfortable and that’s their issue not yours, but mostly people will ask if they can help… and that’s when you should take them up on it – if it’s appropriate.

 

6 Replies to “I’m fine….”

  1. I really like your to the point writing on this post. How you touched on your D/s relationship. And yes saying NO doesn’t make us a bad people. Great piece, very open and sincere. 🙂

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