Yesterday I had a melt down.
We hit what’s probably been the biggest wall in our D/s journey. Relatively speaking the first 16 months of our D/s have moved along without much difficulty (after the initial adjustment and frenzy passed).
I’ve had a couple of “ahhh” (or lightbulb 💡 moments) along the way, the major one being when I read MrH post A New Dom’s Tale. Before I read this one of my biggest worries was that MrH was simply humouring me. There’s a saying in the uk and I don’t know if it’s global but people often say they will “do anything for a quiet life” and I worried this was how MrH saw D/s. I needn’t have worried. After I read the post I relaxed my guard more and let go (or so I thought) of the last bits of resistance.
As time has gone on, we have explored more. We have been to an event. We have settled into a routine. We have become complacent.
Somewhere along the way, we stopped talking.
We’ve had moments where we reconnected deeply. Our trip to visit Missy and HisLordship was one. Our talk in the car on the way home brought with it some decisions regarding public play as well as MrH opening up a little about his future plans.
I know he has a rough idea of where he plans to take us, unfortunately he doesn’t communicate well and so I have felt lost. As if MrH has no desire to move forward and so this has made me push, trying to take control, falling back into old behaviours. Of course this just creates frustration and unhappiness.
So with a cascade of situations over the last 4 weeks illness etc things came to a head yesterday while MrH was at work. I fell into a hole of misery and fear. I felt my heart crack and I spent a lot of the day crying.
Unfortunately MrH was at work and he couldn’t do anything to resolve it until he came home.
Resolve it though he did.
Before he even removed his coat he hugged me and told me he loved me.
We talked on and off all evening. We had to stop when child was about but he held me close and we talked.
I’ve admitted I’m to blame for pushing. For not trusting he will do the things that I think he should. For example…. after play it’s a good idea to check in… what did you like what didn’t you and so on… over the last year I’ve instigated this because I have “got fed up of waiting for him to do it” but he told me yesterday, he’s waiting for me to come back round before having that conversation and I jump in. So I need to trust he will do it.
I’ve asked him to tell me more. I am left wondering if he’s enjoyed play because he doesn’t say anything. I know it doesn’t come naturally to him, but I need to hear it. As I will tell him I’ve enjoyed a scene… perhaps some of you will cringe, but if I’ve enjoyed a particularly amazing set of orgasms and I feel super scrummy I will curl up and thank him. I’ve pointed out that I would like the same kind of feedback too. He’s said he will do his best to communicate more.
He has said I need to work on telling him when he’s doing something I particularly enjoy – at the time- and especially if I want him to “not stop”. I’ve agreed to give it my best effort – as sometimes words have left me.
I also asked if he could perhaps offer some positive feedback as well as negative. In December last year MrH gave me some New Rules. One was dropped quickly because of pain but the others remain. Now I am pretty good at following them well some of them. My diet is out of control at the moment, but I get no feedback. I always wear matching underwear and unless I’ve been told otherwise I go pantiless on Fridays. I groom as he likes everyday. But he doesn’t say anything. Now sure it could be argued why should he need to. He gave you rules to follow, you shouldn’t need a pat on the back for doing it. But, what’s the point? If you don’t get anything for making the effort? I get no praise for being good I get no punishment for failing. MrH said he understood what I meant and he would think about this.
Last night when we turned off the lights he touched me tenderly, lovingly. He brought me to climax twice, then as the second climax was running through me he moved me so he could enter me with his cock and he took his own pleasure, giving me his cum.
We lay after touching and quiet. It was exactly what I needed. To feel loved and wanted. To feel his desire and tenderness.
This morning I woke feeling better. The darkness has cleared.
I’m not naive we will I’m sure need to have many more conversations in the months and years to come and probably more meltdowns too. But the point is, we are a work in progress. Our D/s, our Marriage, our relationship our love is a work in progress and always will be.