Checking in

Every now and then, so I’ve been told, it’s good for a D/s couple to check in. That is to say review what’s working and what’s not, to make sure you’re both happy to continue. It’s a way of making sure both parties continue to give consent.

MrH and I, in the beginning, and on the advice from a D/s site introduced a weekly “down time” we had a ritual worked out and did our best to do it. It fell by the wayside after a few weeks. I think mostly because it felt fake and didn’t fit us. MrH is not very good at communicating his feelings and he says he doesn’t really analyse things in that way. He’s happy or he’s not. If something makes him happy he will do it. If it doesn’t then it will affect his enthusiasm to do it. I mean you know he goes to work each day and sometimes he’s been very unhappy with it but as he says he has to work so he goes, but from a relationship point of view he doesn’t really spend time thinking “how does that make me feel?”

I think because of that MrH sometimes forgets to check in with me after play or on a regular basis. I prompt him sometimes, so we do review things if we’ve done something different.

Anyway, a few nights ago I decided to send MrH an email to check in. I asked him 13 questions, about how he felt, what he liked, if he wanted to continue, what plans he had and so on. He thought about them and replied. He asked me to answer the same questions. So I did.

I suppose some of you (my readers) might think that as the submissive I shouldn’t do this. I shouldn’t ask questions of my Dominant, I should wait for him to. But, consider this. MrH and I are a partnership. We are only 17 months into the new dynamic and it is still new when you compare it to the 22 years that have gone. Our old dynamic would have seen me open communication. It doesn’t come naturally or easily for MrH to do it. I am sure that with time MrH will find his footing with this and will not need prompting. But for now I am happy to give him a little nudge, open the door a crack and allow him to take it from there.

4 Replies to “Checking in”

  1. I would say this falls in the category of active submission. You are actively doing what you can to make sure your Dominant is secure, content, etc. rather than passively waiting. D/s is (in my opinion) about growth, and part of a submissive’s duty to her/his Dom(me) is to encourage that growth. Since you are aware that Mr. H doesn’t communicate easily, you are helping him by doing this. How could that not be submissive?

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