I started to take part in Sinful Sunday as a way of challenging my negative body image. Despite having lost a lot of weight, I still struggle to accept that I might be attractive. The idea with Sinful Sunday, for me, was to see if that was a true statement.
MrH tells me I am beautiful, sexy, stunning… and I feel his tenderness and sincerity when he does. Momentarily I believe him but then doubt creeps in.
See, my early experiences of body image we’re not good. My step dad would tell me I had no figure worth showing off. The boys at school called me flat chested and frigid. My first real boyfriend became my first husband and he left me for a slimmer taller girl. At the time I was a perfect size 10.
So the idea was this. If other people not connected to me in any way were to say I was attractive/pretty/sexy then I would have to start to accept that maybe I am.
To a certain extent this has worked. On the other hand it has created other less desirable things.
My twitter account shows links to my posts and if I share a revealing image inevitably I will receive direct messages from men. It’s almost as if my sharing these images these men think I am open to a casual sexual conversation. I have amended my profile to say people must ask MrH before contacting me. Some do, and some don’t. If they don’t they get deleted. Mostly MrH will say no and tell them if they want to speak to me do so openly by commenting on a post.
One thing I have come to realise is this.
The only person I want telling me I am sexy/attractive etc, is MrH. When it comes to my body he is the only person who’s opinion I care about.
I am his.