I struggle to ask MrH for things. Not like can I buy or can I eat, I mean sexual acts I want, and when I have chatted to other subs this seems to be a common theme. I think there are 2 reasons for this.
1. Embarrassment or shame.
2. Fighting with the idea that I shouldn’t ask as a submissive.
The second is easier to argue out. MrH tells me he’s not a mind reader, and if I don’t tell him he doesn’t know. The first, not so easy. I’ve mentioned before that since we started this my sex drive is on high, I want MrH all the time. I’m hyper aware of him.
For example, right now he’s sat on the couch. He’s on the left side and I’m on the right. This is how we normally sit. (If we snuggle I move to his side.) In my peripheral vision I can see him. When he wiggles his fingers, my mind remembers the feel of them against my skin, my clit.
Every movement he makes I’m hyper aware. Every movement he makes turns me on – more. I wake up in the night and I look at him. I spend my time wet and achy. But admitting that to him makes me ashamed. It makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me to be so needy and desperate. I’m getting better at it. In the beginning I would write it down in my journal. I then managed to tell him but I would hide my head embarrassed. I worry he will be disgusted by my desires and fantasies. He hasn’t so far so it’s made it easier to open up.
I have now managed on two occasions to speak without hiding my head but I have to work up to it.
I have such battles in my head.
Recently I told MrH I was super horny. I felt like I would explode.
He kindly told me to get the wand out if I wished. I didn’t. I don’t what to masturbate unless MrH “tells” me to. I don’t want my orgasms to belong to me, I want him to control them. I went to sleep that night still horny and in the morning I explained that for me to masturbate I needed him to word things differently. He would need to say “I want you to get the wand out and orgasm”
I need his commands for the orgasm to be meaningful mentally.
That night he told me to play with his cock.
He then ordered me to turn and kneel up, he placed my hands wide on the headboard and spread my legs wide.
I immediately felt uncomfortable.
The need I had in me was high, and at this point I felt like an orgasm would result in me squirting. In this position all over the bed where our heads lie. MrH didn’t put the mat down. Instead he lay on his back and positioned himself under me. Shame flooded though me. If I came I could squirt all over his face – not something I wanted – nor do I imagine it’s something he would want?!?!
He was also very close to my body and I’ve noticed since starting D/s I find this “on top” position mentally challenging. I don’t know if this will make sense but I find it quite a dominant position and this doesn’t sit with my submissive mind set.
So I’m battling my mental discomfort, fighting an orgasm for fear of “washing” Sirs face… not very conducive. After a while I could feel an orgasm build and knew it wasn’t going to squirt (I can feel what type of orgasm is likely to happen as they build depending on where the feelings originate), this allowed me to relax enough to climax.
He then moved behind me and picked up the micro wand. He held it on my clit. Very quickly I was lost. My body rocking with orgasm after orgasm, my brain disconnected and yet I was still worried about the squirt potential. When Sir came and he allowed my orgasms to end I was shaking, bad.
I was also relieved I hadn’t disgraced my self – yes that’s the word that comes to mind- as if I had squirted on the bed I would have been mortified.
The thing is I can still feel the need for that squirt orgasm now, and as I said I’m ashamed that after so many orgasms I still want more.
Anyway, I know MrH will read this later and tell me his thoughts. Hopefully he won’t be disgusted that I have turned into some kind of nymphomaniac that’s never satisfied…
I think in many ways it’s wonderful that after being together for 23 years I’m still hungry for him. I am his… Of course he also thinks that after all these years I can’t tell him what sexual acts I want him to engage in!