I agreed to take part in this challenge thinking well it will be fun to have to have an orgasm every day and of course in my head MrH would be watching, encouraging, controlling and ultimately be the giver of each one….
Of course reality and fantasy can’t always align.
MrH added some little challenges for me (and anyone else who read them should they wish to try them) with different conditions/locations that the orgasm should take place in or under.
Day 1, I was struggling until MrH joined me and helped.
Day 2, I had to work up a very elaborate fantasy to get in the right head space and it wasn’t a great orgasm.
Day 3, was challenging but again mentally picturing MrH with me, eventually I came but one of the most disappointing orgasms ever.
Day 4, should have been brilliant, awesome, amazing… MrH decided to play. And in my mind this little voice kept saying… You need that orgasm for the challenge. My mind did not fully commit to MrH, and my body didn’t respond properly. I did eventually orgasm, but not like a usual play session where I would have (and I don’t mean to brag) had more than one, or two.
It bothered me. A lot.
It bothered me that this got into my head and disrupted my submissive mental state.
I felt my anxiety increase. What was wrong with me? I didn’t understand why I wasn’t able to enjoy myself.
Now I’ve written about masterbation before (see overcoming embarrassment), it’s not something I tend to do alot, but it’s certainly not something I am against. At age 20 I gave myself my first orgasm (I’d been divorced 15 months) and enjoyed myself regularly from then on …. No one else seemed willing to give it a go so needs must I thought.
I met MrH just before I turned 21 and we started seeing each other about a month after I turned 21. He was the first man to bring me to orgasm and truth be told I’d be extremely happy for him to be the only man to ever do so.
Since we met I wouldn’t say I’ve masterbated a lot. There was a period when he worked 12 hour nights and weekends shifts. This did take its toll on our relationship and yes, I took to pleasing myself because mostly MrH was shattered for 3 weeks out of 4 (and you could guarantee mother nature would call on the 4th).
Fortunately circumstances conspired to bring us back together and we reconnected. I don’t mean to suggest that we were on the brink of separation or anything, rather we were becoming apathetic and just not connecting as we once did. I’ve always been thankful that it didn’t last long and we were both willing to talk and work on regaining intimacy.
Throughout all these years if I felt like a bit of self pleasing I would get on with it… No guilt no drama… Well, a little embarrassment and perhaps shame that I felt the need and certainly not sat in front of MrH… But you know… I could and would enjoy it.
So to start this challenge and find that I don’t want to …. that my body isn’t mine to please… that it doesn’t respond the same as it once did was unsettling.
It shook me a little.
Of course I reached out to some friends for their feedback…
Was this a normal progression with D/s?
Had they experienced this?
They reassured me that yes they had experienced this mental shift. And that I should speak to MrH, which I did.
After discussion we decided that I am not going to continue the challenge as it is. It’s not helping my mental state to feel badly and that’s not the point of the challenge, but we will do some of the things on MrH’s list – when MrH decides we will.
MrH is also very happy that I am becoming his more and more. That my submission is deepening. As for me?
I am his.