Last night, while MrH slept, I cried.
Eventually I sent him an email telling him how I was feeling…
I’ve lost some of my submissive mental state…
We haven’t been able to go away this month. I’m not working and finances just won’t allow it.
And while there’s been some opportunity for play, the extended period of time we get together when we’re away feeds my submissive mental state. So the loss has hit me. Hard.
And instead of speaking openly about my needs I’ve pushed them down. Told that unhappy voice to ‘shut he hell up’ because my needs are secondary. If MrH wanted to ‘x,y,z’ he would. It’s not my place to say hey I need a full on seeing to .
So I’ve tried to keep myself there. I’ve been more service oriented (asking if Sir wants anything), I’ve tried to be more actively submissive, following my rules … I’ve even asked MrH how he would feel about monitoring my daily chores using an app that Miriam suggested (he’s not looked into it). I sent him a video of me masterbating after I wrote about how he used me, which he said he enjoyed. And it’s helped .. but not enough.
Clearly or I wouldn’t be crying.
MrH read it this morning and immediately put the cushion at his side, patted it and said, “come here” indicating I was to snuggle. The he told me he was sorry. I didn’t understand. Why was he sorry? Because he said if I was doing my job you wouldn’t be feeling like this. I need to know if you need more from me. If I don’t know I can’t fix it, he explained.
I told him my worry is that by telling him what I feel I need I’m being ungrateful. I’m not letting him be in control if I’m asking him to do things he doesn’t want to do..
Again he said he considers it essential that I tell him if my needs aren’t being met, so he can take that into account. He reminded me that we’re still learning and so I have to tell him and not hold it in. He particularly didn’t like the idea I had been crying.
Now last night MrH had said that he was thinking of shutting the cats out of the bedroom and getting the flogger out… (Our youngest was going to be out of the house for about 2 hours helping my mum out at the allotment association shop) and at the time as heartbroken as I felt, so in need of his affection, I couldn’t even feel excited. All that went through my head was ‘don’t get excited then when it doesn’t happen you won’t be disappointed’ which is completely unfair of me as MrH hasn’t ever cancelled plans to play… But I think I was in full on self protection mode.
So as he held me, and kissed my head, he said.. I will drop C off, and you can get naked and wait for me to come home.
This time, the anticipation tweaked my stomach. After he left he messaged me instructions, to get the toy bag out ready for him. To be waiting naked on the bed.
I got things ready, and waited naked under a blanket with the heater on so the room warmed up (it had started to snow) and as soon as he arrived home I got into the wait position on the bed.
MrH came in, praised me for being correctly positioned and told me to undress him.
He used the flogger and his hand to spank me. He used the vibrator and his hands to bring me to orgasm several times. He used my mouth for his pleasure in between toys. He inserted the vibrating butt plug and flogged and spanked some more. Then, deliciously he ordered me off the bed and to kneel, he cuffed my hands behind my back and holding my head, he face fucked me, rubbing precum over my mouth and lips, eventually cuming into my open mouth. I drank his cum greedily, licking him clean, kissing his cock, my whole body and mind satisfied.
He had to help me onto the bed for a cuddle while I floated back down. I thanked him several times.
I’m so grateful to him for not only listening to my worries but for addressing them. I love that he doesn’t feel I have disappointed him by feeling this way. I just need to learn that I have to speak up instead of bottling it up and trust that MrH will do what’s best for me from there. As he always says if he doesn’t know it’s broke he can’t fix it.
I just feel the need to say Thank You to MrH for loving me.
I’m Always Yours, Sir, in submission and Love
❤️ Sweetgirl ❤️