2am

It’s 2am. I’m awake. Not good.

Our eldest son who’s almost 25 recently told me he’s still struggling with depression and feelings of self harm. Although I’ve got him to the medical professionals I don’t know if he’s actually attended any of the follow up appointments, and he refuses medication.

What has this got to do with me being awake? I came home from work today and assumed he was at work, and that he would be home around 11.

It’s now 2am. He isn’t home.

I’ve messaged him and he informs me he’s gone 50 miles away visiting friends he went to university with. He feels he shouldn’t have to tell me where he’s going.

I’ve tried to explain that I’m worried about him. I’ve explained I don’t sleep until I know he’s safely home. Having lived away from home for 4 years he’s used to not being answerable to anyone. He’s used to being independent.

I just don’t know what to do. How do I stop worrying?

14 Replies to “2am”

  1. It is common decency to inform roommates or housemates when you decide to stay at someone else’s house in the evening. A simple text can do the job. This is doubly important when living with family. I think a simple conversation about expectations might alleviate future difficulties. Point out that he isn’t asking permission but is instead just keeping you informed. It might go like, “hi mom, I’ve gone to John’s house and will be home very late—I may even stay over! See you tomorrow!” And you need to accept his need/desire to socialize with friends.

    1. Hi this has been all we’ve ever asked for from him. Before he went away to uni he would do it. He now doesn’t think he should have to – which is frustrating. I’m more than happy for him to go socialise, he’s lost all his old friends as they have moved away and I know he’s feeling isolated, so when he goes to see people I’m relieved that he’s not isolating himself and he’s still making that effort. As you say I just want him to let us know when he’s not coming home ☹️

      1. Perhaps if it is a condition of living with you… My son has several conditions that he must meet to live in our home. Several he finds preposterous, but I will pack him and move him out if he doesn’t meet them. He knows this. Good luck.

  2. One of the things is that he is going to do what he is going to do and there isn’t much you can do about it. Being too invasive will make him be more secretive. My advice is to let him know that you will be there for support if he needs it but let him do his thing. Feeling restricted and trapped will likely make him feel worse about life.

    There isn’t a great way to stop worrying but trusting that he will do his best and come to you if he needs help is all you can really do… and is probably what he wants from you.

    Take care.

    1. Thanks FC as always good advice. I’d love to say that I can follow it… but after his suicide attempt a few years ago I struggle. My own depression isn’t helped my lack of sleep either. But MrH is keeping an eye on me too I think ☺️

  3. You don’t stop worrying. I don’t care how old they are, they are your babies. I tell mine, “ you will be 47, with kids of your own, and I will still think of you as the curly headed/redheaded/toe-headed toddler you were. It’s my job. Make it easier. Tell me where you are.
    Our house rule is ;where you are, who you’re with, and Two friends numbers Incase your phone dies.

    1. It’s all we’ve ever asked babygirl that simple courtesy of telling us if you will not be home.. not asking us as they are grown men after all but at least letting us know.

  4. I hope that this situation has resolved itself now. I can relate very much to what you are saying and I don’t think there is an easy way – I am forever worrying about mine and it seems often that I am still going over it long after they have stopped feeling it is an issue (if they ever did). Hugs.

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