Setting limits

As our journey began MrH and I discussed many things. What did we want from D/s? Should we have a contract? Could we make it 24/7? What should we call each other? What are our limits? I will post about each of these but today I am reflecting on the latter; what are the limits.

We agreed to talk about limits but I had no idea what he might be wanting to explore and so I didn’t know really how to begin. I’d dithered over the concept that if I am the sub was it my place to even give these boundaries? As I researched more and more I realised that although part of MrH’s role will stretch me and push the boundaries I set, I always have the ability to halt play by using the safe words.

Creating a list of limits

I set to work. With a note pad and pen I took 3 pages and at the top of the 1st page wrote ‘willing to do’, the 2nd page ‘willing to try’ and the 3rd ‘hell no’. I went through the things that I was definitely willing to explore..

  1. Bondage (rope and soft cuffs)
  2. Spanking (hand)
  3. Anal sex.
  4. But plugs.
  5. Vibrator use.
  6. Oral sex.
  7. Spreader bars.

And turned to the ‘hell no’ page. These things were harder to write – what if MrH wanted to explore these? What if I was disappointing him before we really began? In the end I wrote them down, I figured we were going to discuss these lists anyway so I set to work..

  1. Absolutely no 3rd party involvement.
  2. Poop or wee play.
  3. Toileting control.
  4. Cutting or blood play.
  5. Air play.
  6. Gags.
  7. Fisting.
  8. Impact play with a cane, whip or belt.

The 2nd page (Willing to Try) was still empty. I didn’t know what to put. I decided that there was only one thing I could put..

  1. Impact play with flogger, paddle and crop.

My vocabulary wasn’t sufficient for anything more.

Discussing the list

That evening we sat and discussed the things I had written.. I waited nervously as MrH looked through my ‘yes’ list. Would he think I was depraved? Would he be disgusted that I could write this list? My rational brain slapped this insecure voice and reminded her that in all fairness we had already done some of these in our vanilla sex. The bondage and impact were New as would be more anal play. MrH nodded as he read down the list then turned to page 2.

‘I didn’t know what else to write’ I murmured.

He continued to page 3 and the anxiety returned. Again he read the list.

‘What do you think?’ I asked him. ‘Is there anything you wanted to try that I’ve put on that page?’

You can imagine my relief when MrH said he agreed with all these as hard limits. He had no desire to play with anyone else or have anyone else play with me (this was my biggest fear and I realise now he knew that so he addressed that first).

As things have progressed I wonder if I have not been specific enough.. I hear of new things all the time and wonder if these are things MrH will explore. At the same time I know he will probably discuss them with me beforehand.

I didn’t in a million years think MrH would want to go to a club but he has now expressed an interest in doing so and so I know we will go, but this has been discussed. This brought up other worries; did he want to go in order to play with someone more experienced or to have someone play with me while he watched (this of course was on my hell no list) so I should have known better.  When I voiced this concern MrH assured me that no one will touch me and he has no desire to touch someone else. I have other anxieties about this but that’s for another post.

Learning the vocabulary

I realise now that the 2nd page was so difficult because I had/have no idea what is out there to explore. But, I trust MrH to take me on this journey and I know that nothing he asks me to do will violate my ‘hell no’ list.

During this early phase Our D/s was limited to the bedroom. MrH found a website called ‘Fetlife’ and he suggested we sign up. I agreed, and we found a lot of useful information on there. Definitions, types of play and terminology in particular.  While reading a discussion on there I found a link to This BDSM Test which I found really interesting.  You can answer anonymously and it tells you what kind of kinks you might be into.  It’s also fun lol. Looking back this would have been a good thing to do together as it would have given me the vocabulary I lacked.

Someone advised me once that I may find my hell no’s change and I couldn’t see that happening. In some ways I know that they won’t. 1 to 6 will always be no. As for 7 and 8… The use of a belt will I think remain forever in the hell no column, but I can already see me moving the use of a cane to the willing to try column as I have heard peoples experiences. Fisting… well you should see the size of MrH’s hands – I don’t think it would be possible!

Having said that, I know he will challenge me, push me, take me to the very edge of my capabilities and as he does, we will grow, together.

3 Replies to “Setting limits”

  1. I can empathise with the awkwardness of doing this but it is so important. We have gone back over our limits several times and now there is very little that we haven’t moved to at least soft limits. A lot of the things that moved were things that I liked in fantasy but didn’t want in reality but that certainly changed. I am glad that you are enjoying exploring and there is certainly no rush.

  2. It is hard trying to choose limits without someone experienced to guide through the process. This process is much much harder when injecting BDSM into an existing relationship.

    When I started out I was given almost daily assignments at the start to make lists similar to yours. We would talk about them. A lot of things seem scary when you are starting out. Some are scary for good reason. Some are scary because of fear from inexperience. Some are things you know you won’t like but at some point you recognize they may be valuable to your relationship.

    As long as you keep talking about things that pique your interest, things should grow well. It’s perfectly okay to wonder why the idea of something turns you on, but the fact that it does should be talked about. If you can’t share those things, you aren’t giving your dominant the right kind of road map they need to navigate D/s. The amount of change you will undergo in the first year is pretty staggering.

    Nearly all of my original hard limits no longer exist except for the ones that pertain to SSC principles. This didn’t happen overnight, it took years. As trust, love, and symbolic submission grow stronger, a lot of things that seemed scary as hell may eventually hold an appeal.

    Take care.

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