I am active of a couple of communities but recently MrH found one called The SafeworD/s Club. It’s been one of the friendliest and welcoming groups we have joined. Today a group of members were talking about orgasm control and as these things do, it got me thinking. In fact following the chat I’m finding sleep elusive.  At least I keep waking up – and it’s doing my head in! I’m going to be tired tomorrow, well later today actually, and I’m going to a seminar that’s starts at 7:30 am (yes you read that correctly) so I could do with looking, alive, at least.

Orgasm Control

What if MrH began denying my orgasm. In our play so far. MrH has taken great pleasure in giving me many, many orgasms. He demands them, deliciously. ‘Come for me now,’ he will say and my body responds obediently. But what if he decided that I wasn’t allowed to orgasm? I’ve never had to try and stop myself from reaching orgasm. I wouldn’t know how to begin.

Taking care of your submissive

The discussion that prompted these musings also featured some rather distressing shared information. Being submissive isn’t gender specific. There are male and female subs just as there are male and female Dominants. One male sub shared his experience where his Domme prevented his orgasm by applying pressure to the vas deferens and apparently if done too frequently it can cause permanent problems and he would find that his testicles became a blue/purple colour. This sub and some others said that although they found that they are distressed and dislike some of the things that their Doms subject them to – they love the way it makes them feel.


I don’t consider myself masochistic (I get pleasure from a certain level of pain, from a spanking, flogging, essentially impact play) but I would not want to be screaming, crying or distressed. MrH isn’t a sadist and has told me he has no desire to hurt me in that way. Everything we do is mutually pleasing. So I found this subs experience frightening and difficult to understand. The idea that he may be permanently physically affected. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not passing judgment, what happens in each D/s relationship is unique to that relationship. And I accept that part of the relationship is about exploring and pushing limits and boundaries to find your hard limits. I guess because we are so new to it and so far from reaching that point it is hard for me to wrap my head around.

What I am ineptly trying to say is it’s virtually impossible for me at this moment in time to fully understand how an S&M relationship works. This is I think because I haven’t experienced it, so I can’t see the benefit to enduring it.

Now, before this post gets any longer and makes even less sense I am going to try and get back to sleep.


6 Replies to “S&M”

  1. Hi SG, I just wanted to clarify something from that chat today as things got a little bit jumbled due to multiple conversations happening simultaneously.

    Blueballs isn’t part of a ruined orgasm. Blueballs happens due to a buildup of semen over time. There is a fixed amount of real estate in the pelvic cavity and both the bladder and prostate share an area. When one fills, the other cannot be as full. e.g. if the prostate is full, the man will have to urinate more often. If the bladder is full, the prostate will “run out of room” more easily. Blueballs is swelling caused by the prostate reaching its capacity which then causes additional semen production to flood the plumbing and makes the testicles swell and get very sore.

    You can’t actually prevent an ejaculation once it has started. An orgasm is a specific type of male ejaculation where a “forceful expulsion” coincides with a chemical release in the brain (think of this as why a male orgasm feels good). The ruined orgasm method that I was speaking about was about blocking the forceful expulsion. It isn’t painful in a traditional sense and the semen ends up draining out in a dribble or slow stream (basically like a weak urine stream). It does, however, prevent the forceful expulsion necessary for the brain chemical release to happen, so while the prostate empties itself, the “feel good” portion does not occur and sexual frustration is not relieved. The best comparison I can make for it is when you feel like you have to and are about to sneeze… and then all of a sudden you can’t sneeze. Everything tingles in a bad way, you want nothing more than to sneeze, and it feels uncomfortably bad. My experiences with ruined orgasms are that you end up feeling like that… and aching to feel a good climax.

    Any pain is more emotional/psychological. e.g. being denied what you so badly wanted.

    In the chat there are a couple of us who have been doing D/s for ~10 years or longer and have experienced a very deep type of submissive mental space. This is the type of space that we crave, but it is something we “worked up to,” over years of experience. You had written in an earlier post feeling like it is an addiction. To go with a drug analogy, the early days of experiences are sort of like getting drunk or smoking pot for the first time. You feel naughty. The altered mental state is exciting. You can cut loose in a way that you never could before. Once you have done it a lot… it becomes ordinary and no big deal. In D/s terms, some of us are at the point of doing opium or heroin, or something hardcore that isn’t easily accessible unless you have built up enough connections to even know where to get something like that.

    When dealing with mental spaces that hover around or resemble slavespace, a lot of the aspects of it are very muddy. By experiencing what we hate/dislike, it makes us feel more submissive and “better” overall. More extreme activities involving denial, emotional sadism/masochism, and the like, generally cater to these deeper spaces. Also, for those who reach spaces that have almost a complete “erasure” of self, experiencing an orgasm will abruptly pull us out of that deep space and make it difficult to access for a while. This creates interesting scenarios, e.g. my rational mind says yes, my physical body says yes, my submissive self says no. Or, my rational mind says no, my physical body says no, and my submissive self says yes.

    Sadistic dominants tend to enjoy creating that sort of anguish where the sub is trapped in a love/hate situation within themselves.

    I hope this makes more sense. Feel free to ask any questions if you would like me to elaborate more.

    1. Thanks Fc for your reply… I accept I am very new to this world and as you say everything is still new and shiny. I’m sure as our journey continues and our experience builds we will push more boundaries. I hope you didn’t think I was being disrespectful? I was ineptly trying to explain how as much as I like to think I am a very empathetic person within this community I am often left feeling like I can’t understand how people are feeling – how they desire the things they do. And I get that some of this is because I am an infant in terms of my own experiences of D/s 😊

      1. Hi SwG. I don’t think you were being disrespectful at all. I mostly wanted to clarify some of the points, as once you understand how the moving parts work, it becomes easier to see how they could appeal to someone.

        While there are a lot of physical activities out there, so much of the later D/s dynamics focus upon the mental/emotional/sexual interplay that goes on within both parties. Cognitive dissonance becomes an ongoing theme. “I hate this, but I like what it does to me” can become a common train of thought.

        On the topic of orgasms, there are a lot of stones yet to uncover. Certain ideas may become appealing but others may not. e.g. it is possible to ruin a woman’s orgasm and leave you aching and lusting in the process. People can be conditioned to cum on command or not be able to cum without the command. You may be taught where if you act like you want it, it will be denied, so you have to temper yourself to be patient and accept what the dom chooses to give you. There may be games involving “random chance” that determine if you will be allowed to orgasm or not. You may experience forced orgasms and/or stimulation that continues well beyond the “pleasant” point, e.g. continuing to use a wand on you after you climax and are extremely sensitive.

        Whether or not you travel down these avenues will depend heavily upon what Mr H enjoys. A lot of it starts with a seed. Sometimes those seeds grow into fantasies. Fantasies into desires. Desires into reality. The more that you experience (and especially what you are able to process mentally about what is happening within you), the better you will be able to empathize with some of the more advanced dynamics and activities out there.

        Take care.

  2. Some of the things that I heard or read surprised me at the start too. I listened carefully but remember thinking that is not for me. As time has passed I have gone back to some of these things and viewed them in a different way, often feeling that there is something in there for me after all. I love that we can learn from each other and I enjoy being able to hear from people with other experiences as I have found that has really helped me to grow in my own submission. I was part of a community in the past which was much more one true way and many things could not be expressed or shared. The owners felt that the way they experienced it and the things they did were the correct way to be successful and anything else would be judged to be inappropriate and not suited to a loving married dynamic. It is no surprise that we, and many others like us, outgrew such a narrow view and that while it had been helpful in the beginning, growth was frozen and there was a feeling that you did not fit. I am glad that you are enjoying the chat at The SWC and am really pleased that you have felt welcome there 😊

  3. I wish I could find the time to take part in these discussions—particularly this one. Unfortunately I am alway working. They do sound safe and educational though. Kudos to Missy and His Lordship for getting it all going!

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