I’m often overcome with thoughts of how much I have in my life to be thankful for. When I had my breakdown I spent years in a back hole unable to see anything truly positive… I knew I had a wonderful loving husband and I should be happy – but I didn’t feel it. I knew I had 2 healthy happy children and I should be happy – but I wasn’t. I was consumed by dark clouds. Waiting for these things to be snatched from me. After all I had lost my father suddenly. I had lost my job because of my breakdown. I had lost my self confidence.
One Sunday morning I was taken with a sudden inkling to go to church. I wouldn’t say I am an overly religious person. I believe in a higher power, God if you will, and that when you die your spirit lives on; but, and this is where many religious people pull away from me, I cannot subscribe to the idea that the bible contains the word of God. This book was written by man… and it’s interpretation is vast and diverse. Many times the messages are perverted in order to convey a particular point of view. As a literature fan I simply believe this is a book. A chronicle perhaps but essentially a series of tales which have been used to explain either that which was not understood at the time or to try and teach ideals of behaviour and morality. I do not think we should, in the world today, look at the bible as some irrefutable truth.
Now, I have no desire to offend anyone who believes differently. I fully believe we should be able to have individual beliefs without fear of persecution or attack. As I said I do believe there is a higher power that guides our lives and teaches us.. I just choose to believe that this God looks on ALL as his children and like the parent I am would never abandon or hate them. For example, my brother is gay – I don’t believe this makes him an abomination, and I don’t see how, as one of God’s creations, he could be.
Anyway I digress, this one day I got the urge to go to church and I went to one which I knew a friend of mine attended. Having spent 5 years avoiding people and crowds I was very uncomfortable walking in. I sat down and was treated with friendly welcome. The service began and the first hymn was ‘Amazing Grace’. I was immediately upset. The last time I had heard this had been at my dads funeral. If it wouldn’t have drawn attention to me I would have left. But I stayed. They did a bible reading (I have no recollection of this, but I know the service format and they have one after the first hymn). The next item of the service is where the children who will soon head off to Sunday school, go to the front and sing a few chorus’s. This day the first chorus that they sung woke me up.
Count your blessings, count them one, two, three,
Count your blessings, and you will see,
Count your blessings, name them one by one
And then you will see what the Lord Has done
As I drove home that day I began to think.. what was I grateful for? Slowly, not immediately, it was by no means a miracle cure, I began to change my thinking. I was no longer consumed by what I had lost. By what I didn’t have. I would close my eyes at night and give thanks for the day, thanks for my husband and children. I now regularly take these moments to reflect on all the things I am grateful for.
I honestly believe something gave me a push that day, and it turned things around for me.
So, what am I grateful for? I’m grateful for my wonderful husband. I’m grateful for my children. I’m grateful we have a comfortable home. I’m grateful that I have a job I don’t hate. I’m grateful that when I asked MrH to become my dominant he agreed. I’m grateful he takes that responsibility seriously. I’m grateful that despite the fact that he doesn’t like reading he researches ways to be a better dominant and how he should look after me. I’m grateful for the way he loves me. I’m grateful for the way he makes me feel like I am the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen. I’m grateful to be alive.
I’d like to invite you all to ask yourself the same question ‘what am I grateful for?’ It may surprise you how much you have 😊